These are writings, responses to posts, and other insights that I have had.

Okay... before I answer your questions I am going to tell you a bit about subspace and sub-drop. They are both words that describe the physiological and chemical changes going on in your body. I have a bit of a cold so I might say things a little out of order but the information is still good.

Subspace - Your body has been warmed up. I am sure that you have heard that subspace is about your body producing endorphins like in a 'runners high'. But in kinky activity it can be and often is a bit more than that, sometimes called Extreme Sensory Stimulation. This is a general description, so be aware that your specific experience may contain all of this or just some of it. What really happens when the body is warmed up and then experiences something like a flogging is that your physical body is put into a mild and naturally induced form of shock. This is why a person can have the shivers when coming down from the high. Runners don't normally have the shivers after their high. But we are actually doing things to the body. The warm up causes the blood to circulate and rush to the areas that are being affected. Then we put physical stress on the body. You are putting stress on the cells, nerves, muscles, etc. of the area that is being touched (in whatever way). Signals are being sent to the brain and it can be confusing. Your brain is responding to pain signals but at the same time pleasure signals. Who wouldn't be confused by this? So your body goes into a mild form of shock. At the same time your brain has release endorphins making you feel all va va voom about it. On top of all of that you have all of the emotions that you were feeling leading up to the event and during the event. And on top of that you have to know that if you did a scene that was just purely mental or emotional (and yes I mean in real life though it can happen online as well) you can still go into subspace. You can still get an endorphin rush just from the mental aspect. Now if this isn't overload, then I don't know what is.

Aftercare - This is the period where you may still be in subspace or you may be coming down from it. If it was a physical scene then you are likely to experience a drop in temperature and in blood sugar. You may also experience some dehydration. This is why it is so important to have a blanket, some food, and water right after a scene. This is also where your emotions may flood and overwhelm you. During the scene you experienced the feel of things and your mind raced to catch up. Your feelings were complex and you couldn't even begin to describe all the thoughts that went through your mind from one second to the next. Now you have time to think. You might cry, laugh, sleep. Everyone responds differently, and you may even respond differently depending on what the scene was and who your partner was. There is never a wrong way to respond. There is never a wrong way to feel. Just as important as the physical ways of taking care of yourself after a scene, you also need to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally. Even if a scene is cancelled you could be feeling some of this. I can't speak for others, but my scenes begin when I start to plan them. My emotions start to build in anticipation and if the scene doesn't happen I still feel a let down. Sometimes that letdown is physical as well as emotional. So talk to your partner. Discuss what went well, what went not so well, and what went wrong. Talk about how you feel. This isn't just right after a scene though. You may need to talk days, weeks, or even months later.

Sub drop - Now that you have experienced the high, you will experience the low. Now your body has to gain back it's equilibrium physically, chemically, mentally, and emotionally. Not every scene requires any of this, or all of this, but some level of this. The endorphin rush has to work its way out of your system. If you fell into a frozen body of water and went into shock would you expect to recover a few hours later or the next day? Then why would you expect to recover from this kind of shock and the confusion you just put your brain through in a matter of hours?

Plus now that you have time to think... OH MY GOD! Did I just do that? Did I just allow that? Am I allowed to have done that? What must he think of me? Did I respond the right way? Should I have done this? Shouldn't I have done that? Am I just terrible at this? But I really liked that. I think he liked when I did this. I'm sure it must be okay. He would have told me if it weren't okay. But we didn't talk about it and I didn't bring it up. Maybe he is annoyed that I didn't do that. He is going to be angry if I don't tell him that. Maybe he already is angry. But then I'll tell him, he will be irritated because I am bothering him with this again. Then I apologize for apologizing. That mark... I don't know how I feel about that mark... God I just feel so vulnerable and I don't know what to do or what to say. I feel great and horrible and wrong and confused all at the same time. That felt so great, but this completely SUCKS ASS! But I liked it so much! What the hell is wrong with me???

Am I anywhere close to what you have been feeling? Then add in all the complex feelings you have because of your past. Everyone has a past and baggage that they have to deal with be it abuse or something else. And what we do has an intense impact on our lives and our mental state. What we do can always bring back memories, feelings, issues, etc. I feel this and more, often, after a scene. I have gotten used to my feelings, so I know when I am feeling rational and when I am feeling irrational. I know what is normal for me, and what is not. Because this is your first time, you don't know what is normal for you and that is okay. Keep a journal. Write down all the things that you feel. None of it is wrong. The more you play the more you will understand yourself. And if you play with the same person, you will also get to know them better as well. And remember, the other person is human too. You aren't the only one who experienced a high or a low. Their experience will be different. They may or may not want to discuss it with you. But they aren't mind readers. And they might not react in the best way to everything you say, do, or experience. That is okay too.

-Was the drop from your first public scene worse than other drops?

No. My worst drops have come from accidental sub-high scenes. There is a certain kind of play that can send me into subspace in a matter of minutes. Before I knew about it... well it surprised the hell out of me and a few other people. Accidentally sending someone into subspace when you didn't even mean to play is awkward at best and causes all kinds of vulnerable feelings on all sides. I don't even remember my first public scene. I remember my first scene... but I can't remember the one that came after which would have been my first public scene. It obviously didn't give me a high or a low.

-I felt a HUGE need (not want, but need) to be around/comforted by that specific dom. Normal? Should I worry about being in love with this man? We're friends, and he's great, but I feel like a stage-five-clinger or something...

I think I covered that above. Yep, completely normal. I don't know what stage five is. But feeling clingy and vulnerable is completely normal.

-I cried. A lot. That's not normally my thing...did you cry at first? Is that normal for kink, or might that be my past abuse?

Because of my past abuse I have always had difficulties emoting in public. I can laugh and what not but crying has always been impossible in front of others. Until recently I couldn't verbally respond in scenes at all. I have only really played in public and I can tell you that lots of doms enjoy verbal responses of whatever kind. I know a heavy bottom (meaning the scenes are hardcore) who giggles. When others would be screaming bloody murder she giggles. I have also giggled and laughed in response to sensations. I knew a girl who screamed at the top of her lungs no matter what. I have known a sub who after each scene would pass out and didn't want her dom to have anything to do with her until she came out of it. I have known subs and slaves who immediately start cleaning up, putting things away, and if they have some kind of sub drop they don't show it in public. I have cried once and I needed it. Stop worrying about what is normal for everyone, and start learning what is normal for you. There is no response before, during, or after that is wrong. And no one has the right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.

-We got together and played last night-it was nowhere as amazing as our public scene. Was I in subspace during the scene? (And how would I know?) Or was it just the reality that he's not a god/superhero, and is actually a regular guy who can be great or can be meh, like everything else in life?

Each person experiences the high differently. For me it is like a deep meditative state where I feel all happy. Unless I go into the high from pain that I don't enjoy, then it is a deep meditative state where I feel angry - not a good place to be. You might not know if you have gotten the high. Take notes and keep a journal.

-Will it be like this with every guy I submit to? Or is your first "special" in some way?

My first was special. He was my first. Beyond that, it is different with every person. There are outside factors that can make it different like who you play with, where you play, what you do. There can be inside factors that make it different like the time of month, medications you are on, emotional issues you are dealing with, etc.

-Am I sounding like a total stalker? Because I half feel that way, and I'm creeping myself out, honestly...

I think I have covered this above. This is normal. This is okay. Give yourself time to come down from the physical, physiological, mental, and emotional toll that your body has gone through. Write down what you are feeling. At some point... if you give yourself the time you need, you will come back to your normal state. Once you get used to playing it will get easier. You will get to know yourself and your responses both in and after a scene. Take the time you need.

Insight from a personal experience. This is my experience only. I am not talking about anyone else.

When I get to have a full scene and get to go into that awesome sup space my drop is usually quite mild. I miss the high from the endorphin rush but mostly that feeling tends to linger for a good long while. A couple of weeks later I start to feel a little run down. I might get a little cranky but otherwise that seems to be the most I feel in a drop unless something bad happened during or immediately after my entrance into sub space. Once when I was in my happy place someone interrupted it to pat me on the head to say goodbye. I don't like being touched when I am in sub space. I like to curl up in a ball, cocoon myself into a blanket and just be. Being patted on the head was not a pleasant experience. That person was pretty selfish to insinuate themselves into my happy place just to say goodbye. I would have been a hell of a lot more understanding if they had just had someone say it for them when I was back in the real world. It cut my sub space short and the drop was a cranky one.
Someone once put me into sub space without knowing it. Then I had to get up during and clean, put things away, and drive home. My friends should not have let me get behind the wheel of my car. I never played with that person again either. I can only imagine that I must have appeared drunk to people who saw me trying to function while in sub space, which for me is a lot like a really deep level of meditation.

Sometimes I can go into a mild level of sub space on just the anticipation of a scene or while playing with a new play partner. The drop afterward is usually very mild as well, unless something went horribly wrong. Then the drop is bad. I am an emotional/intellectual bottom. Headspace means a lot to me and I can get an endorphin rush just from being in the right headspace. When my headspace is interrupted in a bad way then I really feel the drop. I feel sad, lonely, depressed, vulnerable, and tired for about a week or two afterward. Talking about it with the people involved helps but that isn't always possible.

After the drop comes something else. I feel super aroused at the slightest thought or stimulation and at the exact same time I feel extremely vulnerable. If I act on my instincts (especially if they are sexual in nature) then I immediately feel ridiculous, stupid, and wrong. Intellectually, I know that these feelings are out of proportion with how I normally am but it is hard to remember and keep them in check. I feel like my hyper sexual side and my normal carefree side are at war with each other sometimes.

It would be nice to be in a place or in a relationship where I could just feel whatever the hell I am going to feel, act however I feel like I need to act, and have someone there to tell me that it is o.k. to do just that.

© 2011 Silje Wyn