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Disclaimer: This writing isn't about you. If you believe it is, trust me, it's not about you. If you're still not convinced that this writing isn't about you, please don't bang away on a keyboard responding like an angry chimpanzee; rather, please send me a message, we can go for tea, and you can tell me how you feel this writing is either entirely, or partially about you. I write to verbalize my feelings, and stop the thoughts that can circle my brain for longer than I would like. I write so current and future play partners get a sense of my thought patterns, and where I might be coming from - because I'm often not the greatest at the putting words together thing. I write for all of my reasons, and none of yours.

So I was to be collared recently, to a Domme I have known for over a year. It wasn't a romantic relationship, it was a power, play, service, and little/Big sort of dynamic. For reasons, the Domme decided not to collar me, and it hurt. Rejection, whether it is delivered with velvet glove, or slammed home with a hammer, hurts - it is never pleasant - even if you care for the person doing the rejecting. Upon reflection and getting advice/words of wisdom from friends, I came to the conclusion that in fact this Domme, who is still in my life and still means the world to me, did me a huge favour.

I've been collared before - one good, one horrendous. The Domme - the good - who collared me the first time, saw the collar as a symbolic wedding ring of sorts. We didn't have a romantic/sexual relationship, but we had a good power dynamic, and we played very well together. The second collar - the horror show - would threaten me with uncollaring at the drop of a hat. To this day, I'm not sure why she collared me - it certainly wasn't to protect me as the only person I needed protecting from was her - it wasn't to mentor and teach me - because the only thing she taught me was to doubt and hate myself (both lessons which have become quickly unlearnt).

Based on my personal experience, discussing with others, reading from the 'experts', collaring, to me says the following:

- I love/care for you
- I will love/care for you
- I will guard/keep/protect you from that which does you harm
- You are mine
- You are a jewel of the first waters, and I am proud to be associated with you
- You serve me and my needs
- I want you body, mind, and soul

Funny thing, none of the collars I have accepted, or those which were proposed to me, could offer all of these things - so you may be thinking, why would you accept?

That dear readers is a very good question - one that was posed to me by a few friends - why would you accept a collar from someone who can't give you what you want?

To be honest, I don't know - honestly. Maybe it's the desire to be owned, even partly. Some people relish their freedom, they see themselves as a lone wolf- they need not have a pack. Perhaps its my own desire to feel like I have a place in this world, that I take up valuable space, that perhaps I have meaning.

All this soul searching over a symbol.

So this also lead to other questions - like why do I want to belong to a Dominant? This has been a struggle for me for some time - because when asked what I want from a Dominant, I can't really come up with an answer. I don't need protection, I don't really need rules - I'm pretty self sufficient, I think I provide myself with enough structure in life - so other than play, perhaps a sexual relationship - though nothing says my romantic/sex life need definitely be with a Dominant
- and perhaps cuddles and kind words, I don't know that I need anything from a Dominant.

Can you see the sort of crisis that might throw one into - having lived all this time seeking a Dominant with whom I could build a solid, good power dynamic with, and to find out that I really don't know why I'm looking for one if I don't know what I want from them?

During this time, while my brain is pretty much melting, a leather family member says "You know, I've been reading about the concept of marrying yourself - giving yourself the love and security and attention you need. What if we extended that and decided to collar ourselves. You know what is best for you, you know how to look after you, you can negotiate play or a scene, you can easily set boundaries. Collar yourself - and if someone comes along who you wish to be collared by - if they tick all your boxes, and can exceed what you do to care for you, then transfer your collar to them."

Yes! I liked this idea - and immediately began looking for both a play and day collar for myself on Etsy.

Collared to myself, collared to the Goddess within - true to what I want, what feels good and right, and feeds my soul. Whether it is play, or service, or just taking time out for me.

So I am happy to announce that I will be collared - to the best Dominant I can have, or whom I have met thus far - that being myself. I hope the ceremony will take place in a few weeks' time - it will be a most special occasion.


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