I wrote this for a local group, and at the behest of some folks, I am posting it here as a writing. Thank you to those folks for your encouragement.

This is a post directed not necessarily to the young people in the group, but those who are new to BDSM.

As someone who has been in the scene in Canada, in the US and now Australia, for some time, I just want to let some of you know, from what I have observed, your distinct lack of manners, and ignorance of etiquette in the BDSM scene is appalling bordering on disgusting.

Okay, for some members of the kink community - it's just kinky sex - you get your rocks off - you slap some ass - you have a great time. That is fine with other members of the same ilk, but don't assume that how you live/practice/enjoy your kink is how everyone lives.

I would offer the following advice, based on what I have seen:

1. Don't touch someone else's toys/property (including human property) without permission. You may think "Hey, that's a great toy, I bet my partner would like how it feels" - so you pick it up and whack your partner with it. Maybe that toy is body fluid bound to someone. Maybe it is psychically/emotionally/spiritually bound to someone - you have no idea - because you never took the time to ask. Would you just walk up and touch someone's dick? No? Then don't touch someone's toy without their explicit permission - and for Christ sake, don't assume to touch someone's partner, even if you are normally friendly with them. There may be different rules/protocols in place at a party or event - do you know? - have you asked?

2. If someone is demonstrating a toy at a play party - unless it is a test dummy station - don't badger them to try it on you. They don't owe you anything - you can ask politely and nicely - but don't badger them. This is not a kissing booth - they are there for their pleasure, not yours.

3. If someone says 'no' to play or service, it's 'no' - period. Don't bother or badger them - the other person again, doesn't owe you anything. Maybe they are tired, maybe they are not in the best frame of mind at that moment, maybe they are waiting to play with someone else at any moment. Receive rejection as well as you would reject someone.

4. Don't assume someone's position or role. What kind of fucking idiot assumes some stranger is a sub and smacks them on the ass? Just because it's a play party - it doesn't mean that the legalities of physical and sexual assault don't apply.

5. I have as much right to not be part of your scene as you feel you have the right to have a scene. If you're not at a play party, keep your scene out of the public eyes, because outside of a play party, none of us have consented to your scene. I really don't want to see you spank your partner in a Macca's, or hear/see you blow them in the parking lot.

6. Don't assume people are sexual in BDSM. Sometimes you want to play with someone because the way they flog releases such endorphins, the high is better than any form of sex. Some individuals are in the dark lifestyle because they appreciate skill when it comes to physical/emotional/mental torment.

7, Your triggers are just that - your triggers. You need to manage them yourself, you can't expect everyone else to pussy foot around you. Also, unless you have been diagnosed by a health care professional, please don't practice textbook psychology on yourself or others - it's not a trigger, it's something you're uncomfortable with. Rather than expecting everyone to accommodate you, perhaps you should challenge yourself to be more comfortable with that that makes you uncomfortable.

8. Before you assume - ask - period. For a community that is always spouting about how vital communication is, we do a piss poor job of actually doing it.

Now, get off my lawn!