In preparation for an upcoming leather event, I was given a document that outlines certain protocols that are generally standard for a gathering of leather/BDSM folk. Most of the document was a reminder, a wonderful reminder, and some of the items were new. My education into leather/BDSM has been a mix of what is referred to as Old Guard and New Guard. I won't say one is better than the other - I'm of the opinion that you should go with what works for you - but I think it's always good to be educated in the customs and rituals of different cultures.
In fetish clubs today, it might be easy to miss indications of protocols and gentile behaviour. So, for those who might be interested, I'd like to pass along some of the rules and protocols you might encounter in a leather/BDSM/fet gathering.
1. Hands off
Don't touch implements or toys without permission. There are a few reasons for this - besides the obvious that they don't belong to you. For some, their toys or implements carry their energy - no, wait, hear me out. For some practitioners of WIITWD, there is a certain type of spirituality, or woo even, associated with their practice. If you touch a toy or implement without knowing, you could taint the energy that has been invested into the implement. Also, some participants or practitioners might have a phobia about others touching their toys - especially if they have issues with germs. Before you touch a toy, always ask the owner - and don't take offense if they politely decline, there is no offense intended. Especially important, permission to see a toy does not imply permission to use it either on yourself or on a partner - if you wish to do so, again, ask permission first.
2. Know the codes
Some individuals in the community use codes or signals to indicate whether they are a Top or bottom, and what interests they have in the leather community. The most common code is known as flagging - usually done through the use of coloured hankies or keys. I won't go into the details of either - you can look up online the various hanky codes etc. - but know that if you see someone walking around with a hanky or two, or three, or five, hanging out of their back pocket (or tied to a belt, or around an arm - they might even be inventive and use fingernail colours), recognize what it is. You might even want to approach the person politely and acknowledge they are flagging - even if you might not be interested in playing.
3. Seek first to understand
This is something that I can't stress enough - if you don't understand something, or don't recognize it, it doesn't make the practice strange, wrong, or weird. Years ago, I was in a situation where I was treated in a very rude manner by a submissive because I was sitting on the couch next to my Domme, and she was sitting on the floor. She was of the opinion that I should be seated on the floor next to my Domme. Well, you know what they say about opinions.
The fact is, while I might have a certain set of protocols that I observe and I follow, I will always follow the lead of my Top - whether it is for a night, a session, or life - after discussion and negotiation. If you are following a certain set of protocols that are foreign to the other person, and they can't follow what you are doing, this creates two issues: 1. You are seizing control without negotiation and acceptance from your partner; 2. You are creating a situation where your partner might feel ridicule or embarrassment.
I have seen it happen time over where you have one submissive or Top all in a lather over what another submissive or Top might be doing or not doing. The fact is, one never knows what has been negotiated between the two individuals. When in doubt, ask, or even if just curious, ask. The leather/BDSM community should be a safe place where education is available, even on a one to one basis.
4. Greetings and forms of address
For some, it is habit when seeing a friend or acquaintance in the community, to immediately hug the person. While this might be acceptable for many, it is good to keep in mind this is not the norm. It is always good to ask what sort of greeting is acceptable - such as asking "May I give you a hug?"..."May I give your submissive a hug?"..."How would you prefer to be addressed?"..."How should I address your submissive?"..."Are you serving anyone this evening?" (to a submissive)..."May I speak to your submissive?".
As a default, the title "Sir" can be used if uncertain and in particular situations - such as "Sir, may I take your coat?". Even if the individual is a woman, the title of "Sir" denotes respect - and for those women who prefer the title of Master, this is more in keeping with the forms of address. Even if someone is a submissive, they might be referred to as "Sir" - especially if they are someone who is very experienced and has a long history in the community.
It is always best to ask how someone would prefer to be addressed, but if a faux pas is made, do not take it personally.
5. Take your positions
Some practitioners make use of certain positions in terms of protocols. Common positions include standing shoulder width apart; kneeling; kneeling on one knee; prostrate on the ground. For some submissives, it is both courteous and protocol to stand when the Top is standing, to sit only when the Top is sitting, or to sit when the Top has indicated that the submissive do so. Again, it is different for every individual and power exchange. In a room of leather folk, as a submissive, it would never hurt to stand while the Tops are standing, even when they are seated. If mobility and standing are an issue, but all means, do sit.
This is hardly an extensive list, and of course, like other articles on the subject, it is not at all the authority. I invite you to continue your research into the topic if this has given you some food for thought. It never hurts to inject a little gentility and civility into your leather/BDSM/fet path.