Once upon a time when I dated vanilla men, I went for the tough looking types. I may not have known what BDSM was, but I knew what I wanted and this was the only way I could get it. What I got was a lot of rough sex with a few spankings, a few blindfolds, and a few ties to the bed. It wasn't until I entered the wide wide world of BDSM that I discovered how different an animal it is.

Many players think of BDSM as spice for their love life, or just a different style of lovemaking, like bisexual play versus heterosexual play. But even these are still variations on the vanilla model of relationships. I have observed several fundamental differences in the way that BDSM relationships play out. I believe that it is a completely different paradigm, just as the experience of having relationships in cyberspace is a radical departure from thousands of years of having relationships in person. There are also many things in common: love, respect, trust, commitment, connection; the things that most people yearn for. So, what's so different? This article will look at some of those differences and outline a model for a unique type of relationship.

The main challenge in defining the BDSM relationship is that you can argue down just about any definition because it's so difficult to measure relationships quantitatively. You might talk about the "power exchange," but then of course that very same dynamic is present in many vanilla relationships. You might bring up bondage, or sadism; but even those are present in traditional relationship at one level or another. My approach to BDSM has to do with the quality and intensity of the commitment to these things, a qualitative approach, and one that puts BDSM on a continuum with vanilla relationships; related in the sense that all relationships are about connection, but clearly different. While each person's definition will be unique to their approach to relationships, most will agree that relationships where the participants define the dynamic as BDSM are practicing the elements of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism at a far more intense level.

So here is my own paradox - that Vanilla and BDSM exist on the same continuum, but in many ways are qualitatively different. Despite these challenges, I might argue that while a handy definition may elude me, I know it when I see it.

Open Communication is Not an Option

Many vanilla couples go for years before ever sharing fantasies with each other. In contrast, BDSM couples often exchange checklists of their most intimate sexual interests and health issues before ever engaging in play. I even signed health disclosure and consent forms with one Dominant. This level of communication changes the way people relate and interact before they have intimate relations. It can also cause problems for people who cannot talk openly about their sexuality. This kind of discussion about sexuality is equally important in the vanilla world, but not only can be easily disregarded, but in fact is often frowned upon. Disregarding communication in the BDSM sphere can lead to more than just hurt feelings, it can lead to physical harm.

More Variety and Exploration of Non-Traditional Types of Eroticism

My sister has told me of her eight hour lovemaking sessions with her paramour, but it's all basically in the domain of vanilla sex. She's a bit of a bawdy girl like myself, so she may include lingerie, anal sex, oral sex, and other "traditional" sexual flavors. But no where in all that lingerie, anal sex, and oral sex is there a power exchange. No where is there the kind of implements you'll find hanging in my closet: floggers, fleece-lined cuffs, pinwheels, and more. It's not just about the equipment, but our approach to using that equipment.

BDSM relationships by definition include a wider variety of relationship styles and orientations. Bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, polygamy, polyamory, and open relationships are common and discussed freely. Then there is the Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism of the BDSM panorama. Unlike the vanilla world we are commonly in contact with cross-dressers, transgendered persons, and people with specialized fetishes.

Unlike my sister who has been making love essentially the same way for 20 years, we have expectations of continually exploring new territories.

More Focus on Non-Sexual Modes of Intimate Relations

Much of BDSM is about sex, but much of it is not. Lots of exploration occurs in alternative ways of experiencing our body, mind, and spirit, from body modification to masochistic surrender to the "flow" of Dom and Subspace. Orgasms are nice, but we can have those anytime. BDSM offers a unique means to connect with another human being.

Freedom to Express Our Orientation without Fear

While all these variations on the BDSM theme do occur in the vanilla world, they are often explored secretly, with a sense of shame, and with an awareness that these activities are considered abuse or mental illness. Only within our own relationships and community can we speak freely and express our BDSM orientation in our own way, without fear.

More Structure

BDSM relationships have an inherent structure that may or not be present in vanilla relationships. The Dominant/Submissive form is a yin/yang of giving and receiving power. The power exchange may occur with vanilla couples, but it is an unstated and covert operation. In contrast, we revel in making this exchange overt, often through written contracts. Whether it be a 24/7 Master/slave relationship or just an hour of topping someone after breakfast, the roles are clearly delineated.

A Greater Vulnerability

There is a great vulnerability in loving someone, but turning over your body and mind to another human being requires a greater vulnerability, a unique faith. When we give up control over our selves, we experience something that has no parallel in the vanilla paradigm. (except maybe in the army.) This also means that when our relationships fail, the fallout can be more devastating. It's one thing to make love with someone you hardly know, where the biggest risk is a sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy. BDSM relationships not only absorb those risks, but add the emotional risks of being totally helpless, or totally in control.

Burning Hot and Sizzling Cold
We all know vanilla friends who fall in love, do crazy things, then discover a few months down the road that they made a radical mistake. Love does indeed make us see people the way we want to see them. The dynamics of BDSM add another layer to this complex dynamic. It's common for BDSM relationships to burn as hot as the love infatuation, then sputter out even colder. Part of this has to do with the fact that novices who have fantasized about a BDSM experience their whole life often go a little crazy their first time out of the gate. But even experienced players can lose sight of their rational mind when trying out new types of BDSM play. The experience of exploring a new part of your Dominant or Submissive nature is a form of infatuation in itself, sometimes causing us to bite off way more than we can chew, or mistake those wildly new sensations as love or commitment. Maintaining a relationship is hard enough, but maintaining it in the BDSM context is a heck of a bear.

Exhibitionism & Learning By Example

There is a much higher level of exhibitionism in the BDSM culture than in the vanilla one. Only a few minority cultures such as the gay and swingers parties in the vanilla culture even allow for, much less encourage this kind of behavior. The vanilla model is one of keeping sex in the bedroom, in private. In contrast, we can attend play parties designed to allow us to interact in front of an audience. We also have the opportunity to learn from mentors at play parties and in private, in a way that rarely occurs in the vanilla sphere.

More Poseurs

I've often wondered why so many players in the scene who do not seem to be well grounded emotionally. For someone with shaky self esteem or self image, BDSM is a powerful construct on which to base a new personality. You will find Dominants who started out as pretty nice people (although maybe a bit insecure), dress in yards of black leather in order to gain a respect that they did not previously engender. On the Submissive side, being taken care of by someone can provide a sense of self esteem and identity that may not be available to them as a regular Joe or Jane. While there are certainly lots of people in the vanilla world who use their work or hobbies to construct an identity, there's not much risk with some fool pretending they're a CEO when they're not. There is a risk with both Dominants and Submissives who do not know themselves well enough to play safely or engage in relationships.

Greater Risk and Greater Payoff

With physical and emotional vulnerability comes higher risk. We risk our bodies being damaged, being outed, and having our heart broken in strange ways that we are not equipped to handle. Of course even vanilla people have their hearts broken, but our social structure and culture supports and even glamorizes the broken heart. There is no rulebook in the public arena (notwithstanding books on BDSM) that helps a slave manage the unique pain of being dumped by a Master who he worshipped. Not only are we mostly on our own when it comes to recovering from failed BDSM relationships, but we often cannot share the unique issues of our relationships with our vanilla friends, who simply cannot understand what it is that we do.

On the good side, the rewards can be extraordinary. Not just to love, but to fly. Not just to have intimacy, but to see right into another's soul. To trust as you have never trusted before; to be trusted as you have never been trusted before. Our relationships may be more work and more risk, but the payoff is an incomparable experience.