Saturday October 22, 2022
cru - Today at 12:05 PM
Good afternoon everyone, welcome to today's topic on Establishing Health Boundaries! Thank you for having me
kissa - Today at 12:06 PM
Thank you so much for joining us!
autumn velvet - Today at 12:06 PM
@cru thank you for presenting!
SweetSass - Today at 12:07 PM
Yay! Thank you @cru for presenting on Healthy Boundaries.
cru - Today at 12:08 PM
So to get today started i am going to ask everyone to take a few seconds to close your eyes, and take a 2-3 deep belly breaths and to center yourself in today's discussion on boundaries, as sometimes these topics can be triggering to some to past relationships and encounters.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:08 PM
hi sorry was running late
cru - Today at 12:10 PM
Now that we centered ourselves, we will start with a thought exercise, think about a time when you felt completely safe with a partner...what did you feel like emotionally? How did your body know? What did your gut say? How did you know?
Please feel free to answer or think about in your head.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:10 PM
taking time to think through this
autumn velvet - Today at 12:11 PM
Peace and joy are my best descriptors.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:11 PM
It's a disarming feeling. Like, the walls come down. My emotions flow freely.
SashaE - Today at 12:11 PM
Quiet and flow for me
kissa - Today at 12:11 PM
Warm, calm, connected.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:12 PM
i can process openly without being worried that i'll be misunderstood.
snowdrop - Today at 12:12 PM
accepted
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:13 PM
my body feels soft, warm, and this might be strange but it's a particularly feminine feeling for me. And sometimes, i even get..wet...but it's not sexual at all. It's like... just open and free and receptive.
cru - Today at 12:13 PM
Beautiful! The first part of establishing our boundaries and even before talking about it, is first learning to understand our mind and bodies. They will be the first to let us know when something is amiss.
So knowing that, how does your body/mind know when you feel unsafe with someone?
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:13 PM
It locks up. Tension is a huge indicator.
SashaE - Today at 12:14 PM
Bad feeling in the pit of my stomach
GoddessJayne - Today at 12:14 PM
Hey!
kissa - Today at 12:14 PM
I get emotionally cold. I don't have the spoons to deal with the fluff, just survival.
snowdrop - Today at 12:14 PM
Defensive, tense, on edge, reactive, start compromising your values
cru - Today at 12:14 PM
can you explain what you mean by spoons?
autumn velvet - Today at 12:15 PM
A wariness creeps into my mind, and then I notice the physical signs of tension. It's spooky and I listen
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:15 PM
i don't want to be touched. Close myself off.
kissa - Today at 12:15 PM
@cru I don't have the physical or emotional resilience to handle anything but fight, flight, or fawn
SashaE - Today at 12:15 PM
I start to shut down and feel closed off. At the same time anxious. A million half thoughts that never form into anything coherent .
autumn velvet - Today at 12:16 PM
Spoons currency! We pay for everything with a spoon. We only have so many spoons to use per day.
Jaxxy - Today at 12:16 PM
I'm too trusting ...downfall of a little
snowdrop - Today at 12:17 PM
When I'm feeling too unsafe I disconnect as well
Primas - Today at 12:17 PM
Good morning Eeveryone, what is the discussion today?
kissa - Today at 12:17 PM
@autumn velvet yes, it's how a lot of people with handicaps measure cans and can'ts
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:17 PM
healthy boundaries
Jaxxy - Today at 12:17 PM
Perhaps if I wasn't I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in currently
kissa - Today at 12:17 PM
@Primas hi, Sir, we are talking about healthy boundaries
cru - Today at 12:17 PM
Having established what your body is telling you when you feel you both safe/unsafe, what are boundaries to you all? and why do you believe they are important?
Primas - Today at 12:18 PM
Ah thank you
snowdrop - Today at 12:18 PM
One boundary for me is what I will tolerate from people when they are angry
cru - Today at 12:19 PM
tolerate is a great word, what are you willing to tolerate from someone's emotional space.
autumn velvet - Today at 12:19 PM
@cru I think it's part of Life Growth that as we grow up and grow older we learn through experiences to trust our "gut" reactions. All such reactions are important to me because of the validations by prior experiences.
snowdrop - Today at 12:19 PM
I've stated to them what I will or won't tolerate and follow thru by leaving or restating if and when it occurs
cru - Today at 12:20 PM
what does that do for us?
autumn velvet - Today at 12:20 PM
@cru I think the awareness alone is the first most important benefit.
cru - Today at 12:21 PM
Ultimately, boundaries is what keeps us safe and stable. PositivePsychology quotes that "a boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends . . . The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you"
Expanding upon boundaries, it can be romantic relationships, work, or with family, and with our bodies, time, space, and emotional energy.
SashaE - Today at 12:23 PM
It's interesting, when I go against my gut feeling and fail to establish boundaries accordingly, I almost detach from myself. It's like I'm watching myself in third person, "Ok, here we go...."
autumn velvet - Today at 12:23 PM
In some cases, the more intimate the relationship, the more "open" the boundaries.
Primas - Today at 12:23 PM
you need to trust your gut and evaluate and communicate how you are feeling, and remember to tell yourself "it's okay for me to have this boundary and my partner should respect that, that's key in an healthy relationship.
SweetSass - Today at 12:23 PM
settles in to catch up
snowdrop - Today at 12:23 PM
Being able to communicate our boundaries is an essential skill
It's not an easy one
autumn velvet - Today at 12:24 PM
Very true!
cru - Today at 12:24 PM
So now having a definition of boundaries, what is important for each of us to even start to establish boundaries? We started off with one already, reading and listening to our mind and bodies. What else is important for each of us to be able to establish boundaries?
Primas - Today at 12:24 PM
I'm still catching up haha
Primas - Today at 12:25 PM
Respect, and care
autumn velvet - Today at 12:25 PM
Communicating our boundaries clearly and respectfully is pretty critical
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:25 PM
i think navigating what we deserve and what respect looks like
cru - Today at 12:25 PM
It's ok, as a someone who has conducted group therapy, my discussions are very interactive LOL. The point of this discussion is to educate but also to bring thought from within
SweetSass - Today at 12:25 PM
Energy. If the energy is off I know immediately to stay away. Lack of order and respect for me and those around me - no thanks.
snowdrop - Today at 12:25 PM
I think @Primas touched on them, believe we deserve to be treated in accordance to our boundaries and how to communicate them
cru - Today at 12:25 PM
So please take your time!
cru - Today at 12:25 PM
can you say more of what you mean?
cru - Today at 12:26 PM
yes communication clearly and concisely is absolutely critical
snowdrop - Today at 12:26 PM
And the timing
SashaE - Today at 12:26 PM
(You're very good at this!!)
snowdrop - Today at 12:26 PM
Not when emotions are high, but find a space and time where both are open to receive and talk
cru - Today at 12:27 PM
Great answer Chrissa - navigating what we deserve and what respect looks like! How do you know what you deserve?
or how would you go about that process?
cru - Today at 12:28 PM
So having the ability to read someone and look inward tells you something needs to change?
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:28 PM
i think it's a process of self-acceptance and self-love. How would you treat your best friend or what would you want for them? Why would you deserve any less?
it's a whole process of knowing our worth and value, and not allowing people to treat us as less than. Well, at least non-consensually.
snowdrop - Today at 12:28 PM
It hints that change is needed, but it's difficult to know unless you sit down and have a raw discussion with people depending on whether that relationship is worth it to you or not
SweetSass - Today at 12:28 PM
Yes. Being in tune to someone's energy is always a tell for me. I tend to note things immediately that i don't agree or align with which then allows me to place boundaries.
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:29 PM
With this are you talking about boundaries with strangers or a partner?
Primas - Today at 12:29 PM
I'm still waking up haha, boundaries aren't just "yours", your partner will haveboundariess too I'm sure, respect, care and love helps give everyone involved the ability (for lack of better words lol) to be open with these gut feelings, I hope that explains what I meant
cru - Today at 12:29 PM
Exactly. one of the first steps of establishing boundaries is asking the biggest question. Who am i? What do i deserve? What are my values? What do i nee to feel safe with myself and with others? What do I need during different emotional states. All of this can change depending where we are in our lives, and with a variety of relationships.
cru - Today at 12:29 PM
Perfect, yes!
SashaE - Today at 12:29 PM
Good afternoon Sir
SweetSass - Today at 12:29 PM
I'm pretty solid at reading strangers' energies, as well as my partner's energies - so both.
cru - Today at 12:30 PM
Adding to all: one of the first steps of establishing boundaries is asking the biggest question. Who am i? What do i deserve? What are my values? What do i need to feel safe with myself and with others? What do I need during different emotional states. All of this can change depending on where we are in our lives, and with a variety of relationships.
kissa - Today at 12:31 PM
Are we talking about setting boundaries for what we let in or out?
Primas - Today at 12:31 PM
That's a good skill to have, if someone doesn't have that skill then it is one I suggest they improve, trust your gut lol
snowdrop - Today at 12:31 PM
Both I believe
cru - Today at 12:31 PM
These questions are critical because we know when to step back when negative is energy, but we can also lean in too much and that is really important.
SweetSass - Today at 12:31 PM
Agreed. I learned early on in life to pay attention to certain energy. So it's just in me at this point.
cru - Today at 12:31 PM
Both! You actually just hit on what i ws going to say as well!
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:32 PM
Recognizing if it's your intuition vs trauma response is also a massive skill and can be hard.
kissa - Today at 12:32 PM
I have a very tight grip on what I let out but my inflow is like cheesecloth
autumn velvet - Today at 12:32 PM
Self-awareness and psychological maturity come with observation and study. If you start with knowing yourself and the core personalities in your circle, learning to read strangers well seems to follow. Knowing Who's Who in the Human Zoo can really be a survival skill.
SweetSass - Today at 12:32 PM
underlines ten times
SashaE - Today at 12:32 PM
Ugh. Yes.
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:32 PM
This was my first thought when reading that too
Primas - Today at 12:33 PM
That's a wonderfully put statement and I couldn't agree more
cru - Today at 12:33 PM
The Connection: Knowing to read our bodies, knowing how to read others, knowing our spoons, and recognizing the spoons of others, knowing who we are and what we need is critical for establishing a safe relationship with others. These are boundaries.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:33 PM
intuition shouldn't come with anxiety and triggers, it should be calm but informative.
cru - Today at 12:34 PM
The boundaries we can establish is even for ourselves. Where we are at, might deserve self-compassion but also behavior modification. It's not only how we feel drained by someone, but also how we can respect our own bodies, but other people so we can do self-work. It goes both ways!
snowdrop - Today at 12:34 PM
Intuition is also only one way of knowing and isn't always accurate, so it can be good to look for other ways of finding information about someone or ourselves as well.
cru - Today at 12:35 PM
Yes, this is so critical to identify and help with our boundaries. Our bodies respond strongly to traumatic events and its effort to keep us safe, it goes into "overdrive" so that is where self-compassion and communication with partners and evaluating boundaries is important.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:36 PM
i think many people don't know how to really listen to their intuition - because it's not something really taught much. but i think everything has energy and a vibration, and if you're able to work on tapping into that work, it can be extremely accurate.
That said, there will always be more tangible flags too!
cru - Today at 12:36 PM
But circling back, why is knowing who you are important for boundaries?
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:37 PM
Socrates: To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.
snowdrop - Today at 12:37 PM
Yes, I just beleive that sometimes we can build unhelpful things up in our minds so relying solely on intuition can be dangerous on the odd occasion.
Vellaa - Today at 12:37 PM
I feel like the better you know one's self the more adept you will be at recognizing the boundaries you need and more read to stand by them
kissa - Today at 12:37 PM
Knowing who you are is important so I don't accidentally become someone else in my desire to be pleasing.
SashaE - Today at 12:37 PM
If you don't have a good sense of self then how do you know what is/isn't good for you?
SweetSass - Today at 12:38 PM
Knowing your worth and who you are allows you to look for someone, or people, who will remind you of it when you've forgotten.
Primas - Today at 12:38 PM
Because only you really know what you enjoy, need and require to feel safe and loved. I'm this life the biggest mystery is "who you are", and we never stop learning who we are. From a point of view your biggest enemy and biggest friend is yourself.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:38 PM
Yes, i'd say that our building up of things isn't intuition then. It's either trauma response or anxiety or our mental process rather than gut.
But we're on a tangent now
snowdrop - Today at 12:38 PM
We lie to ourselves so it can be tricky if we are relying on ourselves to know ourselves.
cru - Today at 12:39 PM
Side Connection thought: Can you all see how this is important to BDSM dynamics, Anyone seeing the link? (answer rhetorically)
snowdrop - Today at 12:39 PM
Oops, my apologies.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:39 PM
it feels so wild as a slave though
because as an s-type, you really do put yourself in Another's hands to shape and mold to Them
SashaE - Today at 12:39 PM
sits on hands because it's a rhetorical q
Primas - Today at 12:40 PM
Oh chrissa never stop being you
snowdrop - Today at 12:40 PM
I would love another discussion on self-awareness
Primas - Today at 12:40 PM
That made Me smile haha
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:40 PM
as if i could you're All stuck with me.
cru - Today at 12:41 PM
You all are absolutely correct, so much of knowing we are is critical to establish boundaries. If i don't know what i value, including myself, i open up space for others to take advantage of me. The desire to connect to someone i might know causes me to override some of my values, so i end up sacrificing myself and those values which leads to my hurt. Knowing that provides me space to work on and through.
And it's not "ill intent" to take advantage of me, it's just the space i opened up.
We'll save ill intent for a later question.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:42 PM
we could get real deep
cru - Today at 12:42 PM
Ex: Work might know to call on me on my days off because they know i'll respond and go in
as an example
snowdrop - Today at 12:42 PM
I could go on forever just on ways of knowing lol
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:42 PM
Is "who we are" decided at birth or is it the culmination of experiences and people?
cru - Today at 12:42 PM
any and all of the above - that is the life journey, values/limits change
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:43 PM
Experiences and people all the way
snowdrop - Today at 12:43 PM
Both lol, nature and nurture
cru - Today at 12:43 PM
life circumstances and influence a change in our values - becoming a parent/loss, trauma.
autumn velvet - Today at 12:44 PM
Alot happens to us in the course of an average lifespan. We are born with intrinsic characteristics, yes, but experiences fine tune and hone U/us all.
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:44 PM
@chrissa {M} You can't 100% both of those they are differing opinions!
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:44 PM
hahahahahhaa shhhhhh
cru - Today at 12:44 PM
So we established that reading ourselves, knowing ourselves/values/limits are critical for establishing boundaries, what is next?
SweetSass - Today at 12:44 PM
Oooof yes. This.
Primas - Today at 12:44 PM
I think it's both too, nature and nurture, they culminate in you, as long as you learn about yourself and respect/love yourself and say "this is what I want" then you are in the right headspace
SashaE - Today at 12:44 PM
Bless lol
snowdrop - Today at 12:45 PM
Placing those boundaries and then maintaining them?
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:45 PM
Easy for a D to say. i don't know what i want 99% of the time.
snowdrop - Today at 12:45 PM
Identifying which ones we want to place, why, placing them and maintaining them?
cru - Today at 12:45 PM
yes, and how would we go about placing those boundaries (maintaining boundaries is the next question) LOL
snowdrop - Today at 12:45 PM
Oops
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:45 PM
i think i don't tend to set proper boundaries with someone until something is crossed.
then i'm like WHOA HI HOLD UP
snowdrop - Today at 12:46 PM
If I need to talk to someone I make a time to sit down with them, if it's a boundary they don't need to be aware of I just put it in place.
autumn velvet - Today at 12:46 PM
@chrissa {M} that openness makes you so approachable, such a special friend, but wow, you must be pretty vulnerable too?
cru - Today at 12:46 PM
absolutely - sometimes we don't know until those moments happen and that's ok!
Primas - Today at 12:47 PM
Haha that's the mystery of life my friend, what DO you want?
cru - Today at 12:47 PM
Yes!! Communication!!!
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:47 PM
I mean you don't communicate them but aren't they always intrinsically set in your mind?
cru - Today at 12:47 PM
Talking WITH someone is advocating for ourselves.
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:47 PM
Oh wait that's what you said
SashaE - Today at 12:47 PM
Appropriate boundaries tend to get cloudy when loneliness is a factor too, which makes things hard.
Primas - Today at 12:48 PM
That is something people need to watch out for
cru - Today at 12:48 PM
Exactly, advocating for our needs requires communication, which is why I emphasized the advocating for ourselves.
We sometimes fear losing relationships/opportunities when we advocate and set boundaries.
chrissa {M} - Today at 12:48 PM
Not in a logical, thoughtful way. But i feel the hit and then i address it or distance myself from the person.
Sleepmonger - Today at 12:49 PM
Yeah loneliness, fear of abandonment, that need to please, it's so easy to push past personal boundaries to fill voids. Oops reply failed, oh well
cru - Today at 12:49 PM
Advocating for yourself can feel hard, especially when there is fear involved. It's a practice!!
This can happen with D/s types a lot - the desire to serve/be available all the time when our "spoons" are drained.
I see it a loooot.
that's where advocating for our own needs to refill spoons is important.
autumn velvet - Today at 12:50 PM
But listen to that quiet voice tells you is Right, and push through that fear. Growth is seldom comfortable.
snowdrop - Today at 12:50 PM
There's no one single way to do it either, everyone will take different routes.
SweetSass - Today at 12:50 PM
I really learned how to do this through my high risk pregnancy.and it's really set the stage for how I advocate for both them and myself now.
cru - Today at 12:50 PM
absolutely!!
cru - Today at 12:50 PM
yes!!
SweetSass - Today at 12:51 PM
If it's not painful you're not growing
cru - Today at 12:51 PM
Communication is critical, advocating for ourselves, listening, talking with, and maintaining those boundaries encompass all of that as well.
snowdrop - Today at 12:51 PM
I also think, the way you feel after setting a boundary tells you if it was right or not.
cru - Today at 12:52 PM
The biggest part of maintaining those boundaries is a level of consequence that is needed. That is EVEN harder sometimes.
Primas - Today at 12:52 PM
Experiences and life helps you advocate yourself more, makes you a stronger person.
SashaE - Today at 12:52 PM
When you thrive off that feeling of connection so much (with others, the earth, the universe lol whatever) it's easy to fall into wearing your heart on your sleeve mode to make you feel alive. Which also can open the door for hurt if too haphazardly open about evvvverything.
cru - Today at 12:52 PM
What do i mean by consequences? What do you think that means?
And if you can see here, i was inviting a pattern to show LOLOL.
autumn velvet - Today at 12:53 PM
There are costs, for actions, or for standing still.
SweetSass - Today at 12:53 PM
Ooooof. Yeah.
That's good.
cru - Today at 12:53 PM
Yes, and if someone continues to disrupt our maintained boundaries, then I have to make a decision.
snowdrop - Today at 12:53 PM
I find keeping it focused on me helps
Saying I won't do this or that because I... Not making it about them or their behaviour
cru - Today at 12:54 PM
I will burn out if works keep calling me, and i need them to stop. They do not, what do i need to do to establish my mental health?
As an example
snowdrop - Today at 12:54 PM
Say, I'm sorry it's my day off and I need this day off.
cru - Today at 12:54 PM
Yes! Keeping it focused on our needs
snowdrop - Today at 12:55 PM
Or just say no, it's my day off and I have plans (even if those plans are laying in bed all day)
SweetSass - Today at 12:55 PM
I've had to learn boundaries hard this past year with family. Saying and sticking to my "no" has been a trip when they aren't used to it.
cru - Today at 12:55 PM
Exactly and at some point, i went so far and found another job and left one because they didn't respect my boundaries!
SashaE - Today at 12:55 PM
This gets interesting in D/s or M/s I think
SweetSass - Today at 12:56 PM
I've also learned to say "I'm done with this conversation. Let me know when you're ready to move on"
snowdrop - Today at 12:56 PM
I'm sorry you had to go that far to set healthy boundaries
snowdrop - Today at 12:56 PM
I need to learn this one
cru - Today at 12:56 PM
i'm not hehe
autumn velvet - Today at 12:56 PM
Tell them at work that we all take our days off to recharge, and it's necessary. Request they do not call, or tell them ahead of time that you are unavailable and will not be answering the phone. Even as a department head, I take hours here and there for my own health. AND employees grow in their self reliance in those times.
SashaE - Today at 12:56 PM
lol I want to say that at work now all the time
SweetSass - Today at 12:57 PM
It's not easy
snowdrop - Today at 12:57 PM
I need people to say it to me
Primas - Today at 12:57 PM
you need to establish your worth to them and yourself, there has to be consequence for breaking trust and respect, and the only person who can decide that is you, for example with work: if they are treating you like you are always on call and it's affecting your mental health then leaving that job or confronting your manager on your own behalf, I know it's hard to leave
snowdrop - Today at 12:58 PM
Oh, I can't relate at all. My manager tells me I have to take time off and to leave everything behind because she's alll about a healthy work life balance
cru - Today at 12:58 PM
exactly - this is maintaining our boundaries, advocating for ourselves, and setting consequences because we established what is important to us: my time/mental health
Translating this all into BDSM dynamics will be how we close the discussion. Just an fyi.
Which is going to lead us to our next set of questions: now we set our boundaries and we are recognizing the consequences to maintain boundaries, this opens up the question of red flags. What are those?
snowdrop - Today at 12:59 PM
What happens if there is a scenario where we would compromise our boundaries for?
Say, work called and there was an emergency and it's life or death related or similar?
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:00 PM
Negative responses. "You've changed." or trying to still treat you in manners you've made clear are inappropriate.
cru - Today at 1:00 PM
our hope, if i am correct, is that those we communicate will listen and respond well, but what if they don't?
This is where we start to see red flags in relationships and workspaces
Primas - Today at 1:00 PM
Then it is up to you to make the decision, is it worth it? As hard as that sounds
snowdrop - Today at 1:00 PM
Then they have a lot of self-development to do
SweetSass - Today at 1:00 PM
People trying to dismantle your BOUNDARIES drives me nuts.
cru - Today at 1:00 PM
and that may not be for us to help them walk through at the compromise of ourselves
snowdrop - Today at 1:01 PM
Not at all, well it depends on the relationship we have with them I suppose
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:01 PM
This is my favorite way to make those old managers with anger issues turn red and pass out.
cru - Today at 1:02 PM
Red Flags is what informs us something is off about a relationship. This is so critical for recognizing early on to establish our boundaries.
SweetSass - Today at 1:02 PM
Aka my dad the times I've told him that in the last year and the anger that still comes from it.
does zen gif
cru - Today at 1:02 PM
Red flags is that gut feeling sometimes, sometimes it's a blatant disregard to our values/self.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:02 PM
This conversation is making me realize that my inability to set boundaries with emergency jobs is messing with me more than I think
cru - Today at 1:03 PM
The biggest indicator for red flags is when someone ignores our boundaries with purposeful/ill-intent, so what are examples of that?
snowdrop - Today at 1:03 PM
cringes
cru - Today at 1:03 PM
Do you need a moment to process?
kissa - Today at 1:03 PM
Yeahhh I have no idea. Happens to me a lot.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:04 PM
Haha thanks I already took it
snowdrop - Today at 1:04 PM
When someone keeps calling and putting you down after you've told them to leave your life
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:04 PM
Honestly it's a lot of selfishness. My need for [fill in the blank] is more important than yours.
cru - Today at 1:04 PM
i invite you to take a few deep breaths, and find time to center yourself and i hope that this conversation will help you advocate for yourself.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:05 PM
Oh no its a legal obligation that's what I mean its an unsettable boundary
snowdrop - Today at 1:05 PM
@Sleepmonger perhaps the job may need reevaluating?
cru - Today at 1:05 PM
Examples of red flags that are subtle that i see: talking at you, not with you. That will look like telling you info without regarding to your knowledge already, with a layer of condescension.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:05 PM
Agreed
cru - Today at 1:05 PM
When you say no, they react negatively and make you feel bad
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:05 PM
omg yes - gaslighting
cru - Today at 1:06 PM
When you hold them accountable, they shift to other reasons/blame others, and situations.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:06 PM
Yeah pretty common with boundary pushers
snowdrop - Today at 1:06 PM
When you differ they get upset and ignore your reality
SashaE - Today at 1:06 PM
And threaten abandonment
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:06 PM
Or even better try to change your perception of reality
snowdrop - Today at 1:06 PM
When you say hey that's not okay, they say you have no right to tell them to treat others like a human being
cru - Today at 1:07 PM
The more we learn to recognize red flags, the more this can assist us when we are vetting relationships and opportunities. Recognizing the signs, for example, at jobs i will ask about turnover rates and why they happen, i ask the same of people who i date LOL.
snowdrop - Today at 1:07 PM
Aaargh no thank you
SashaE - Today at 1:07 PM
"If it's not ok then you're free to leave" lol
cru - Today at 1:07 PM
How they talk about previous partners - are they always the "victim" - is it that they are the aggressors or they too struggle with establishing their own boundaries?
snowdrop - Today at 1:07 PM
Not in my own home sadly :(
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:08 PM
THIS IS HUGE
snowdrop - Today at 1:08 PM
Ooh lovely one, I can't stand the blame game
SweetSass - Today at 1:08 PM
I HATE this.
SashaE - Today at 1:08 PM
Oh no I just meant that is what someone disrespecting your boundaries might say.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:08 PM
Yeah that's their trick it's an easy thing to say but the reality is much different
SashaE - Today at 1:08 PM
YUP. It's so manipulative.
snowdrop - Today at 1:08 PM
Ooops sorry @SashaE
SashaE - Today at 1:08 PM
No worries, I wasn't very clear
cru - Today at 1:08 PM
Holding over your head things that are critical for your survival - love, empathy, time, food/housing, income, those are red flags and i would say almost abusive.
if not fully abusive
snowdrop - Today at 1:09 PM
I like the, this is me and what I will tolerate, you can stay or leave but I will be and do me :) that's my final response to everything - edit: everything I cannot compromise on and I consider essential to who I am
snowdrop - Today at 1:09 PM
Definitely abuse
cru - Today at 1:10 PM
A huge part of red flags is vetting beforehand. When you are entering any kind of transactional relationship whether with work, or a partner, you have to ask these tough questions. If you are afraid asking the question might risk the relationship, that's a time to look inward and ask yourself "why am i afraid to ask this" is it a YOU thing or a THEM thing
snowdrop - Today at 1:10 PM
Or a mismatch
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:11 PM
I will also say it isn't always intentionally cruel. I know I've been toxic in the past, and it took someone standing firm and showing me what I was doing or how I was making them feel for me to even recognize how unhealthy it was.
snowdrop - Today at 1:11 PM
It's okay not to be suitable for everyone
cru - Today at 1:11 PM
absolutely and i will get to "oh shit was i the toxic one?" next hahaha
kissa - Today at 1:11 PM
@chrissa {M} yep
autumn velvet - Today at 1:11 PM
I think its also important to do an ego check. The knee jerk reaction of a victim is sometimes to become unyielding, stubborn.... this should pass as we become comfortable again in our healing and growth, and we need to know ourselves well, and remain open to reasonable compromises, too.
cru - Today at 1:12 PM
absolutely - compromise on negotiable things. Not on critical things for safety!!
snowdrop - Today at 1:12 PM
If they are core values I can't compromise at risk of losing my own identity, these are things like family for example
cru - Today at 1:12 PM
To be on point "someone who ignores your limits in a D/s" that's a red flag and not about compromise.
snowdrop - Today at 1:13 PM
When it comes down to those core values my response is as above and has to be.
cru - Today at 1:13 PM
Someone who reacts angry everytime you advocate for yourself and want to talk - that's a red flag
Red flags are those things that are for you to function healthily in a relationship that are not happening.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:13 PM
Point is in reasonable compromises. Things beneficial for all involved. Never compromise on safety or wellbeing.
cru - Today at 1:13 PM
Its when your boundaries are ignored.
So i think this is causing us to not just think about our partners but also about ourselves and i'm glad it came up because that is next and i'm not sure how much time i have but the way i introduce this is understanding the difference of sympathy, empathy, and enabling.
snowdrop - Today at 1:15 PM
Evil eyes enabling lol
cru - Today at 1:16 PM
Most of us know what it feels like to be talked at and not with, talking with us is a form of empathy - it's active listening and responding and understanding our emotions. Talking at is those advice givers that just don't listen - that is sympathy.
kissa - Today at 1:16 PM
You have as much time as you want, @cru
cru - Today at 1:17 PM
Enabling is that person just doing everything they can to take over and trying to stop us from feeling pain. That is not realistic or healthy for either party. it encourages the dysfunctional aspect of relationships.
So much of what we learned so far also applies to ourselves - the same questions we can ask is "how do i respond when others place boundaries with me" and evaluating that reaction.
So whoever can still stay, how do you feel and respond when others put boundaries on you?
snowdrop - Today at 1:20 PM
Im happy for people when they set healthy boundaries, especially those close to me because I see the toll it can take and I'm okay with them. I think it depends if you care about them or just selfish with some people.
cru - Today at 1:20 PM
For me, since i take it personal at first because it triggers "i'm a burden" feeling
snowdrop - Today at 1:20 PM
It's actually a releif knowing where those boundaries are rather than guessing.
cru - Today at 1:21 PM
but my response is quite different because i recognize that as an issue i have to work through so i take time to think and then i respond with understanding and grace.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:21 PM
At first, it's like "oh nooo" because it feels like i've been an awful person. But i'm usually grateful for having more information and boundaries for how to interact with them.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:21 PM
I suppose I would have to say intrigued. It's pretty rare to have someone set and communicate well defined boundaries
cru - Today at 1:21 PM
i talk the talk but holy shit do i feel all the feels LOLOL.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:21 PM
Grace is a huge piece of empathy, I believe.
kissa - Today at 1:21 PM
Sometimes i get irritated because I am not getting my way. Other times I blissfully take a big breath and keep on truckin' because they say that they got this and I don't have get involved in not-my-circus
cru - Today at 1:22 PM
Beautiful answers! Yes, how we feel is for us, but how we respond is the grace we give others.
And making sure we allow ourselves to process however we feel is critical.
But how we respond is the respect, care we give and expect from others as well.
I think it's a normal thing for us to recognize not one person is going to meet our every need and likewise, we cna't meet everyone's need This was a lesson i had to learn for myself.
I am a "helper" i serve in my s-type style, learning to let others help my partner was something that i had to reflect on and respect that boundary.
cru - Today at 1:25 PM
can you say more of what you mean ,that is beautiful
snowdrop - Today at 1:26 PM
I would like to clarify something too when this is finished, I just don't want to detract.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:26 PM
What happens when boundaries conflict and the threat of disconnection isn't an abusive manipulation but just the reality of the situation?
snowdrop - Today at 1:27 PM
I prioritise which is important to me @Sleepmonger
kissa - Today at 1:27 PM
@Sleepmonger some people just aren't a good fit.
SweetSass - Today at 1:27 PM
Then you just let go.
snowdrop - Today at 1:27 PM
Oh you mean boundaries from two different people
autumn velvet - Today at 1:27 PM
Grace, or the gentle benefits of caring and providing special allowances, deeper understandings. I model this in my own life on Biblical teachings, on Motherhood.... to extend grace is to show deepest care for another's wellbeing, and to be more aware of their needs and focus on the highest goals.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:27 PM
Either being willing to compromise without growing resentful... or step away.
cru - Today at 1:28 PM
So this is actually the end of formal discussion, and we can now open the discussion, how does this relate to BDSM? Vetting process? what applications apply? How will this inform you? what can you do differently for yourself in order to advocate for your needs better? What can you change to be a better partner in recognizing the boundaries of others? And do you know when to walk away?
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:28 PM
I had both thoughts in mind so your response is totally valid
snowdrop - Today at 1:28 PM
Walking away is hard for me I need to do some work there
kissa - Today at 1:29 PM
I don't know how to walk away. I keep trying.
cru - Today at 1:29 PM
The benefits of boundaries
cru - Today at 1:29 PM
can you both say more, snowdrop and Kissa
and this is the open discussion section, it's the application of what we learned to what is most pressing to you all so we can empower and learn from each other right now
Formmally, thank you all. Take time after this discussion to center yourself with a self-love activity, take a few deep breaths and recognize we are all growing in our beauty and depth and that we deserve grace, love and compassion.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:30 PM
Thank you for the discussion @cru it was well led
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:31 PM
thank you so much for guiding us with compassion and knowledge, @cru
cru - Today at 1:31 PM
that is so beautiful autumn
snowdrop - Today at 1:31 PM
I feel that it's again a communication issue and not both parties are often willing to sit down and have it
cru - Today at 1:32 PM
ahhh
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:32 PM
So many things in life and relationships basically boil down to communication issues it's kind of weird
kissa - Today at 1:32 PM
Well... I assume that it is a big part of my codependency that I tend to think that if they/we would just do it THIS way (communicate usually) that we would be fine.
SweetSass - Today at 1:32 PM
And tone.
cru - Today at 1:32 PM
even communication with ourselves
SweetSass - Today at 1:32 PM
Tone can be misinterpreted so much.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:32 PM
it takes the right person, but i will sacrifice all of myself for their happiness. there's such a deep amount of trust to submit that deeply. But also to feel the safety to communicate when you're unhappy or ask for things. idk.
cru - Today at 1:32 PM
what does it mean to walk away to you? is their a value attached from walking away?
snowdrop - Today at 1:33 PM
Just to clarify, when I said this I like the, this is me and what I will tolerate, you can stay or leave but I will be and do me :) that's my final response to everything - It was and will be my final response when my core values are threatened. Such as caring for family over caring for a partner or making them more confortable. It isn't always, just when no compromise is found and there is no easy answer.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:33 PM
@Sleepmonger yes, why humans need every single piece of communication skills at our disposal, and the discernment of when and how to use them.
cru - Today at 1:34 PM
do you want to share your thoughts on today's discussion in relation to M/s and any thoughts?
kissa - Today at 1:34 PM
@cru it's a failure (on my part) that I either didn't choose right or i didn't work hard enough to make it work.
snowdrop - Today at 1:34 PM
Oh yes, sometimes it can feel like a failure
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:34 PM
i don't know if i have them worked out and untangled enough, but @SweetSass has more experience and is so eloquent.
cru - Today at 1:34 PM
ahhh so walking away feels a bit like failure?
SashaE - Today at 1:35 PM
Thank you @cru , I wanted to "100%" emoji pretty much everything you said in the Trauma chat the other day and here too
kissa - Today at 1:35 PM
@cru it feels everything like failure
cru - Today at 1:35 PM
thank you and especially to Kissa for having me!
autumn velvet - Today at 1:36 PM
Sometimes staying can be a failure, too, @kissa . Don't beat yourself up too badly. You are in Life's Learning Curve.
kissa - Today at 1:36 PM
@cru we would love to have you as often as you want to be had.
cru - Today at 1:36 PM
walking away sometimes is just needs the reframe, so perhaps asking yourself what am i gaining by walking away.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:36 PM
This leads my brain down weird rabbit holes wondering how much of yourself you have to sacrifice before the thing that drives you to make those sacrifices gets lost
kissa - Today at 1:37 PM
In *my M/s I have to keep trying to make it work because I don't get to leave.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:37 PM
literally. or you are no longer you. it's quite a thought process to go down.
snowdrop - Today at 1:37 PM
Also, focussing on the other person and their needs helps I've found @kissa
cru - Today at 1:37 PM
I think for M/s i imagine that vetting for red flags is so critical in the beginning is so important before it gets deep into the dynamic.
SweetSass - Today at 1:37 PM
So many but I'm being pulled in a few different directions
SweetSass - Today at 1:37 PM
So are you, babe.
cru - Today at 1:37 PM
no worries!
snowdrop - Today at 1:38 PM
And you and your needs, when it's seen as a mismatch of needs or values it becomes less about success or failure and more about doing what is right for two people
autumn velvet - Today at 1:38 PM
@cru I think we all see so many more topics to delve into more deeply in future talks. I appreciate your style, and hope you will come back and facilitate more discussions soon.
snowdrop - Today at 1:38 PM
Sir and I sit down at least once a month I would say and talk about all of this
cru - Today at 1:39 PM
The reason i didn't want to include BDSM directly into healthy boundaries quite yet was because of my lack of experience, i just know how to vet thoroughly LOL>
SweetSass - Today at 1:39 PM
For me again, it's energy. Recognizing that the Person is safe, will respect me and my boundaries by not always giving me what I need and someone i can trust enough to allow those boundaries to drop a little. Someone I don't need those boundaries with. Someone who knows me so well I don't have to worry about saying "xyz is a boundary, so no". When you get to that point in an M/s dynamic is magic.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:39 PM
i've never really vetted
cru - Today at 1:39 PM
i cannot speak to M/s either so i will leave that for open discussion
kissa - Today at 1:39 PM
It's incredibly hard for a slave to leave. I think we are designed to try to succeed and be the best possible us.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:39 PM
i go off my intuition and thank god it hasn't let me down, but i haven't done a true vetting process.
cru - Today at 1:39 PM
intuition is vetting my dear
Your intuition is blasting you signals at levels that you don't even quite comprehend lol
snowdrop - Today at 1:40 PM
@cru I feel you know more than you are giving yourself credit for. Thank you so much gorgeous :)
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:40 PM
the only way that i will leave now is if He doesn't want me anymore or would be happier without. Basically out of my love and service to Him.
kissa - Today at 1:40 PM
@chrissa {M} exactly
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:41 PM
Seriously. But isn't usually taken as a valid form of it in BDSM convos.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:41 PM
Vetting can be a composite of intuition, critical observations, and also flat out interview questioning... I was not above asking g the hard questions, glasses on my nose and legal pad and pen on my lap.
cru - Today at 1:41 PM
you've learned the powerful space of leaning into your intuition. i couple my intuition with observing others conduct and then asking questions
snowdrop - Today at 1:41 PM
I'm more on this side too
SweetSass - Today at 1:41 PM
Energy is my vet - idk someone's energy depicts a lot for me.
snowdrop - Today at 1:41 PM
But perhaps I'm just not very intuitive, I need facts and answers and examples lol
cru - Today at 1:41 PM
Observing behavioral responses and how people interact with others is absolutely a great way to see down the road how that person will treat you, especially if they are upset
SweetSass - Today at 1:42 PM
is also just relaxing this after my former Master. So.
cru - Today at 1:42 PM
aww thank you, i really appreciate that
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:42 PM
yesss this. and also how they speak of others.
SashaE - Today at 1:42 PM
I just watched Sir for months first and how he interacted with and treated others
cru - Today at 1:42 PM
that is vetting!!!
vetting is both a passive and active activity
that's why in a work place the first 90 days is critical - we watch the employer in their job and interactions
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:43 PM
Stalker
SashaE - Today at 1:43 PM
Yup
cru - Today at 1:43 PM
We engage, ask questions, but we also observe!
"what would happen if..."
"i saw you talking to this person, and i wanted to ask why you responded that way"
those are great follow-up
SashaE - Today at 1:44 PM
You're the one who blabbed your address early on, you don't make it very difficult
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:44 PM
i wish i did this more. this is great!
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:44 PM
I have nothing to hide and I got chocolates out of it. Win-win
cru - Today at 1:45 PM
with that said, some people are really good at delaying red flags so it's not always a full proof method and it's not something we can blame ourselves for
SweetSass - Today at 1:45 PM
Was just thinking this.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:45 PM
Chocolate is a powerful motivator, @Sleepmonger
cru - Today at 1:45 PM
we all have those people we gave chances too, and something changed and the relationship changed.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:45 PM
oh
wait
that's in a bad way
whoops
cru - Today at 1:46 PM
it doesn't have to be LOL.
kissa - Today at 1:46 PM
Yes, or a temporary way
SashaE - Today at 1:46 PM
Mine would more be worded, "I saw you being an absolute douchebag earlier, what gives?" Lol
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:46 PM
i feel like i experienced a good way
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:46 PM
This is interesting and so true
snowdrop - Today at 1:46 PM
I think longitudinal data is very good it evens out the highs and lows
cru - Today at 1:46 PM
which is awesome, it can be! people can do the work and change for the better - introspection is beautiful
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:46 PM
still!! i just try to calculate why in my head and should ask more
SweetSass - Today at 1:47 PM
Please do when you do so I know. K thanks.
cru - Today at 1:47 PM
i didn't know i was being a shit kid until a few lessons hit me hard lol. i'm sure i'm a better partner now than with my exLOL.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:47 PM
i always dissect with you
SashaE - Today at 1:47 PM
Haha no it's true for sure. I try to sense the feeling behind the action
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:48 PM
i feel this. but all within the same relationship because He offered me so much patience and grace. 🥹
SweetSass - Today at 1:48 PM
I know 🥹 BUT IN CASE IM NOT HERE. which is never but it's fine.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:48 PM
I think after the fact we can see opportunities to question and learn, but it's not always humanly possible to analyze everything on a methodical conscious level. Thank goodness for our internal intuition. Those subconscious observations that come to us in little intuitive energy fields.
cru - Today at 1:49 PM
sorry i feel i'm playing catch up but i agree, that's how i feel with the current partner i have, sometimes they know my boundaries before i even do. like that i need space to process thoughts. i'm not one of hose people who can keep discussing because it becomes repetitive convo that leads to nowhere. i need time to reflect on my own and He was key on figuring that out earlier on. I knew it but didn't think to explain it.
SweetSass - Today at 1:49 PM
Intuitive energy field
cru - Today at 1:49 PM
i rely on it soooo much!!!!
SashaE - Today at 1:49 PM
I love this
SweetSass - Today at 1:50 PM
All. Of. This. My former and I used to dissect together always, though, but He always knew when I needed to be centered beforehand. He'd give the centering command and I'd be like OH okay this tracks. Once the centering was done then we'd be able to focus in.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:50 PM
Okay, so.
cru - Today at 1:51 PM
that's beautiful and i think that's a great way to trigger train me tbh lol.
autumn velvet - Today at 1:51 PM
I apologize, I must go. But really want to thank Y/you all for this great dialog! Chat again soon!
cru - Today at 1:51 PM
@Jof coughs
SweetSass - Today at 1:51 PM
It was the best because I could slowly start to see when I needed centering beforehand so I could then communicate that if I was jumbled.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:51 PM
As an s-type, we are often open to being shaped and guided by our D-types. It usually means our boundaries can be pushed, even in a healthy relationship. How do you know when to give in and let them versus standing still and holding it?
kissa - Today at 1:52 PM
@autumn velvet come back soon
cru - Today at 1:52 PM
beautiful!!
SweetSass - Today at 1:52 PM
For me it's when my ethics and morals are being pushed.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:52 PM
Oof yeah.
SweetSass - Today at 1:53 PM
Once that happens I'm like hmmmmk
cru - Today at 1:53 PM
my institution and values guide me, i have cultural values that i will not budge on and the person i'm seeing right now knows this and respects it tremendously.
So there are places He knows not to mark, etc. and He doesn't push it.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:54 PM
Interesting. I wonder if it's usually things that are somewhat external like this that make up most of the strict boundaries for s types.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:54 PM
i've let myself go deep and further than i would've ever thought at the beginning. And sometimes it's like "am i still the same person?" which i am, but im not. And it's caused small identity crisis' before.
crises?
whatever
@Sero always helping me be a better writer
SweetSass - Today at 1:55 PM
For me it is. Because when I'm with someone I can trust they can push almost any boundary. But if it comes to my morals and ethics as a person it's a no go.
Sero - Today at 1:55 PM
You're already fantastic.
Sleepmonger - Today at 1:56 PM
As an outsider I don't think your core personality has changed in the years I've known you. Like the things that drive you seem to still be in place.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:56 PM
Thank Youuu
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:56 PM
Thank You.
cru - Today at 1:56 PM
@Jof i don't know if You had a time to read through it all, but if You have anything to add, let me know. i learned so much more with You in the BDSM realm of boundaries
cru - Today at 1:57 PM
yes, it's about the core of who you are, your morals, ethics, but the fluid parts of our identity can shift and grow and that's normal and ok.
chrissa {M} - Today at 1:58 PM
yes okay that makes sense
cru - Today at 1:58 PM
I like to think of it this way, sometimes we don't know there are words to describe what we are feeling but then someone explains it and it helps us see clearer. You all here are already so wise!
Jof - Today at 1:58 PM
Sorry baby I'm still distracted so I'm catching up as I can
cru - Today at 1:59 PM
No worries Sir
chrissa {M} - Today at 2:00 PM
i'll be in and out getting dinner started
cru - Today at 2:00 PM
If you haven't met @Jof yet, this is the partner i vetted with before and i will be going to see Him again here in a few weeks. He has helped me through a lot of trauma responses and i learned a lot of lessons with Him and He showed me much grace and patience during that time!
Sleepmonger - Today at 2:00 PM
Yeah and moral and ethics seems more external to me. How society or others see and experience me vs the more simple personal boundaries based on wants and needs. I was just mentally trying to connect that comment with a submissives drive to sacrifice themselves but not others.
chrissa {M} - Today at 2:00 PM
thanks again @cru - i'll probably still chat though because i have no boundary for myself
kissa - Today at 2:00 PM
smiles
cru - Today at 2:00 PM
it's ok, i know but i'm not a master in praxis myself LOL
SweetSass - Today at 2:02 PM
Wait that was to me - I look away for two seconds.
SweetSass - Today at 2:02 PM
Thank You 🤍 they have for the most part.
kissa - Today at 2:02 PM
@cru thank you so very much for being here. I love your brain and I deeply appreciate when you let me play with it. Thank you!
SweetSass - Today at 2:03 PM
@cru you're amazing. The most patient and explanatory (that's a word right?) human.
cru - Today at 2:03 PM
there is a balance there, i sacrificed myself at my job due to my cultural obligation but at the same time my mental health and body was burning out - so the sacrifice/value/need needed to be balanced.
cru - Today at 2:03 PM
thank you Kissa for having me
Sleepmonger - Today at 2:03 PM
It was more a comment on what you said and a bunch of internal thoughts that I didn't really type out but yeah, lol
cru - Today at 2:03 PM
thank you, that means a lot
kissa - Today at 2:04 PM
@cru we would love to have you with us all the time
Sleepmonger - Today at 2:04 PM
Yeah that's something I'm struggling with
cru - Today at 2:04 PM
aw hehe thank you!!
cru - Today at 2:04 PM
without my culture i have no purpose and desire to meet my needs, it really is a balance.
kissa - Today at 2:05 PM
I am lacking spoons this weekend so far so I think we might skip games tomorrow. That means our next chat is High Protocol with SweetSass at 9PM ET on Wednesday.
SweetSass - Today at 2:06 PM
YAY!!!
kissa - Today at 2:06 PM
And next Saturday, we will be talking about using Botanicals in BDSM.
cru - Today at 2:06 PM
yes take care of yourself!
SweetSass - Today at 2:06 PM
My love language.
kissa - Today at 2:06 PM
@cru I will, thank you.
Sleepmonger - Today at 2:06 PM
Interesting
Like nettles and other terribly stingy things?
kissa - Today at 2:07 PM
Indeed. It'll be SPICY
SweetSass - Today at 2:08 PM
spicy
kissa - Today at 2:09 PM
It's been another amazing two hour chat. If Y/you have had a great time, tell your friends
cru - Today at 2:09 PM
Yes, thank Y/you all again
kissa - Today at 2:10 PM
@cru thank you!
Sir Rebrum — Today at 11:18 PM
I'm sorry I wasn't here for the live discussion on this topic. It seems like there was a valuable interaction between those involved.
My opinion on what healthy boundaries mean is; the lines we draw that protect our physical and mental being from the impact of others.
I often find that there are many who have preconceived notions of what I should be, based on My role in the realm of BDSM. That judgment used to affect my self-worth. An example of a healthy boundary is when I finally learned to not allow those opinions to affect My opinion of Myself.
I often get judgemental questions about my views on Dominance and how it doesn't line up with the common perception of what that term means, and I have learned to have a boundary there in order to protect myself from the common opinion vs My own values.
I think the most important thing about healthy boundaries is to learn how to separate our self-identity and self-worth from the mass expectation. That's when we can finally find happiness in being our true selves.