I won't go into the details of what constitutes gaslighting in this post, but here are a couple of links for anyone else who might be unfamiliar with the concept:

7 Stages of Gaslighting in a RelationshipHow gaslighters emotionally manipulate, traumatize, and exploit victims.PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

35 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting In A RelationshipHave you ever been in a relationship where you often question your feelings, instincts, or sanity? If so, you may be a victim of gaslightingLIVE BOLD AND BLOOM

As I digested articles like those linked above, followed by sociological journal entries on cults and dictatorships, scholarly essays on narcissistic pathology, and finally clinical studies on abuse and torture survivors, the early morning hours ticked away until finally I closed my laptop and went to the window to watch the dawn bear down on me from the East.

Now, having versed myself in the topic, I can confidently state without the slightest trace of sarcasm or irony that I, with my 6'2", 220 lb. frame, find the mere concept of gaslighting to be absolutely terrifying. I think I might actually feel better about it if I were embarrassed by that admission, but the truth is I am still too shaken and wound up to even register such a low-level emotion right now. For the first time in a very, very long time, perhaps since adolescence, I am experiencing a physical manifestation of fear from an intangible source. Yep, you got it... BigBad is afraid of the fucking Boogie Man.  

The most horrifying thing about gaslighting in its most malicious form is its subtle, insidious nature, and the calculated, methodical manner in which the abuser enacts each phase of the process. This is essentially a form of brainwashing. One in which the methods are psychologically torturous for the victim, as he or she surrenders more and more of themselves, consistently over time, eventually surrendering their most basic sense of reality...

A step by step delineation of gaslighting in a relationship reads like the screenplay of a Hitchcock thriller wrapped in an Orwellian nightmare.

Any individual who has the capacity and propensity to employ such an intensive methodology does so with the clear intention of fundamentally altering another person's psyche.

I'm aware that I'm late to the party on this one. About 74 years to be exact... This isn't a new phenomenon... but there has been an inexplicably tremendous surge in reported cases in couples between the ages of 18 and 35 since 2009... and it is witnessed so frequently in abusive d/s relationships that it has actually begun to gain acceptance as legitimate kink in some circles.

I'm sure some if not many readers will see the intensity of this post and perceive it as melodrama. Just fishing for reblogs and new followers. But anyone who's followed me for just a few days should know better than that.

The truth is, I'm not writing this to raise awareness or lend support.

I'm writing this to try to begin to cope with the quiet little voice that has taken up residence in my head for the past 2 days. It sounds a hell of a lot like my twelve-year-old-daughter, and it is asking questions that don't make sense, yet somehow feel strangely prophetic...

Questions that I should be able to answer, but can't.

Questions that a damaged little girl might ask the daddy who failed to protect her...

Questions that could only originate from a broken mind...

"Is this real?"

"Why am I so sad?"

"Am I lying?"

"Did he hurt me?"

"Do I deserve this?"

"Am I crazy?"

Except that isn't quite right is it? It's a little more complicated that that, isn't it?The real reason I'm writing this post.... The reason my hands won't stop shaking.... The reason my cheeks are wet and I can't see my keyboard clearly...

The questions that are really repeating in my head over and over...

The one word they all have in common...

The one word that cuts away a piece of me with every repetition...

What the little girl in my head actually wants to know...?

"Is this real, Daddy?"

"Why am I so sad, Daddy?"

"Am I lying, Daddy?"

"Did he hurt me, Daddy?"     *Oh goddammit no*

"Do I deserve this, Daddy?"

"Am I crazy, Daddy?"

Fuck this.

Yeah, I'm late to the party... but I'm here now and I'm about to wreck this motherfucker.

Because I may hear these questions in my head until the day I die, but I'll be goddamned if I'll ever allow them to fall on my ears.

Not one more girl. Not one more boy. Not another daughter, sister, son, or brother...

Men... brothers... all it would take is for each and every one of us to make a decision right now.

Decide to never again look the other way.

Decide to never again give the benefit of the doubt.

Decide to never again accept the bullshit lies the abusers propagate... that it's not abuse, it's just another kink...

Decide, and say it with me...

Please.

Sincerely,

BigBad

I need to make an amendment to what I said here... Just in the short amount of time this post has been up, I have had conversations with more than 40 people sharing their experiences with gaslighting. I expected a community response.

What I didn't expect was how many of the responders would be men (and a few women) who claim to have been the abusers in a gaslighting experience.

What each of these people have in common (across the board) is that they themselves appear to display and suffer from the very same symptoms they claim to have caused in others. Additionally, with almost every one of these men and womenthere is a story of having been a victim of gaslighting at some point in their pasts prior to their becoming abusers.

I want to be sure that this is heard by anyone who has been inspired to make the decision and take action after reading this post... The methods used in the psychological torture that is gaslighting are so very insidious that the evitable damage is not limited to the victims. I would even go so far as to say that this form of abuse eventually makes victims of everyone involved, including the perpetrators.

Secondly, it is a sad universal truth that abusive behavior is cyclical, often learned, and passed down from abuser to victim, and then making abusers out of those who once suffered as victims. This seems to be particularly true when dealing with gaslighting. How terrible must it be to not only wear the scars of gaslighting abuse,but to also carry the guilt of perpetuation.

No doubt there are countless narcissistic predators out there who deserve every ounce of ire and righteous anger that can be thrown their way... But this is not true of every single instance of abuse.

I just want to encourage everyone who this reaches to make the decision, take the stand, bring this shit to an end... But whenever possible, do so from a place of compassion, with kindness and love for yourselves and for one another. One abuse does not justify another.

Everyone deserves a chance for redemption. Everyone has the potential to be a light shining in the dark, even those who once contributed to the darkness. We will not win this war with weapons of hate... Afford each other the grace to forgive and be forgiven.

I'm asking this because I believe I am in need of that grace and forgiveness. With each passing moment I am becoming more and more sure that I have been both victim and offender in my past. The uncertainty and confusion I am experiencing isalmost as overwhelming as the shame. If you believe me to be "the enemy" due to these revelations, I won't argue the point... But if you believe a person can rise above the past in pursuit of a higher purpose... Choose grace. And let that be your weapon of choice.

Most Humbly Yours,

BigBad