kissa 24/09 7:48 Today's topic is "How to be a Dominant." What does one have to do to be a Dom/me? Is it natural? Is there training? Study? Watching porn and imitating Christian Grey? Let's chat together and try to answer one of the more difficult and common questions.
kissa 24/09 8:09 Last week, we were asked how one becomes a Dominant. Let's chat about it this week! What does one have to do to be a Dom/me? Is it natural? Is there training? Study? Watching porn and imitating Christian Grey? Let's chat together and try to answer one of the more difficult and common questions
Pix 24/09 8:10 Ou812 that's no problem, banter to one and all. But I'll try not be caught out again lol
Ou812 24/09 8:10 Natural in my opinion..
Mememe2 24/09 8:10 I was thinking for me it's natural as well
Mememe2 24/09 8:10 I have a side that comes out every once in a while
Selever 24/09 8:10 Falls from the tree
kissa 24/09 8:11 Before we get into the nitty gritty, oh my, Mememe2! let's talk about some of the myths around being Dominant?
kissa 24/09 8:12 So, I picked up a few myths from https://www.killingkittens.com/blog/how-to-be-a-dom/
Pep 24/09 8:12 Everyone can become a Dominant. One only has to put it in their profile and pick a fancy name. The problem is to BE a Dominant and live it every day, making sure the people around you are safe and treated with the respect they deserve.
kissa 24/09 8:12 Dom/mes can force subs to do whatever they want
Ou812 24/09 8:13 No
kissa 24/09 8:13 That's a big one that we run into a lot, Pep, Sir.
Ou812 24/09 8:13 Never forced ...has to be desire, willingless
Mememe2 24/09 8:13 Doms are mean
kissa 24/09 8:14 Mememe2 right? grrrrrr arrrrghhhh *beats chest*
Pep 24/09 8:14 Ou812 I agree. Being forced is without consent unless its cnc. That's not BDSM imho.
Mememe2 24/09 8:14 Heehee
Ou812 24/09 8:14 Pep agrees
kissa 24/09 8:15 Dom/mes act without emotional responsibility.
Mememe2 24/09 8:15 Doms have total control *
kissa 24/09 8:16 Mememe2 hee, like they are all owning slaves that crawl around naked, humping their feet... wait...
Pep 24/09 8:16 This might be far fetched but the Dominant should think ahead a bit imho. Considering possible risks or struggles when One is talking to a sub.
kissa 24/09 8:17 Pep well, that's not a myth, i hope
Ou812 24/09 8:17 No as each action had a reaction. The subs state affects the dominant state so yo act without reguard emotional is careless
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:17 Just because you have sub on your profile it means my dom can take you
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:17 Dom misconception
kissa 24/09 8:17 Wicked Bitch ugh, yes
Pep 24/09 8:18 Dominants have all the answers is a myth. I don't have a fucking clue often enough and it starts with Myself.
Pix 24/09 8:19 Myth: Dominants can 'fix' a person .
Pep 24/09 8:19 Wicked Bitch I hear that one often. Doms start to demand things in pm, or assume stuff.
kissa 24/09 8:19 Pep aw, man, don't say that it's the blind leading the blind here
Pix 24/09 8:19 Myth: Dominants can't be taken advantage of by subs.
Pep 24/09 8:19 kissa one eyed
kissa 24/09 8:19 Pix ooooo that one burns my buttons
kissa 24/09 8:19 Pep Sir, ouch
Pix 24/09 8:19 kissa me too!!
Ou812 24/09 8:20 Each has to fix themselves...one can encourage, help guide and support but it up to each individual to better themselves
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:20 Pep nods the ones that don't even know you
Pep 24/09 8:20 Ou812 I agree
Mememe2 24/09 8:20 Yes
Pep 24/09 8:20 Wicked Bitch *nods* absolutely
Pix 24/09 8:21 Ou812 agreed!
kissa 24/09 8:21 So, as i was doing research for today's chat, I found a LOT of articles on How to be a Dom, but... they were all leaning more into How to be a GOOD Dom. I thought that was interesting. Anyone got a clue on why that might be?
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:22 ?they assumed it a natural instinct?
Pep 24/09 8:22 Does it say what defines a GOOD Dominant?
Ou812 24/09 8:22 One can be dominant in life without understanding who they are so guide to be the best possible version
Mememe2 24/09 8:22 As opposed to a bad one?
Pep 24/09 8:22 *gets a notepad*
kissa 24/09 8:22 Wicked Bitch that's a reasonable question
Pix 24/09 8:22 kissa because being a Dom is different for everyone just like being a sub is and guidelines on good practice are easier to adapt to each owns style and an agreed dynamic?
Ou812 24/09 8:23 Help understand how impactful that can be and to help be mindful of what they should bring to the table in a postive sense
kissa 24/09 8:23 Pix aw, look at you with a smart answer. I think you're right.
Mememe2 24/09 8:23 I think Doninants need to search themselves first
Ou812 24/09 8:23 Hence..good dominant
kissa 24/09 8:23 Mememe2 what do they need to do? How?
Pix 24/09 8:24 kissa oh, ty.
kissa 24/09 8:24 Ou812 that's totally reasonable. How do you do that?
Ou812 24/09 8:25 Learning yourself, being true to yourself with understanding what a power exchange is and what it is for
kissa 24/09 8:25 So... let's back up a step. How does someone sit up one day with the exclamation, "Good golly, Miss Molly, I'm a Dom!" Where does that come from?
Mememe2 24/09 8:25 Well a good person is a good person whether they have Dominant tendencies or not I would like to think...so I'd like to also think they look to better themselves as a person which would make them a. Better Dom/me if that makes any sense
Pep 24/09 8:26 A Dominant should always be sble to take a step back and look how one acted and see if there's room for improvement.
Ou812 24/09 8:26 Mememe2 it does and agrees
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:26 kissa yes good question
kissa 24/09 8:26 Ou812 how do you "learn yourself"?
kissa 24/09 8:27 Wicked Bitch at least i have one good one today *weak smile* thanks
Ou812 24/09 8:27 kissa don't think it a wake up.one day rather accumulation of things with and interest to explore and understand oneself
Mememe2 24/09 8:27 Agreed
Pix 24/09 8:28 Maybe something they have seen or read strikes a chord with them, an experience with someone makes them realise they might have good leadership skills and desires inside a relationship as opposed to just in their day to day or even in contrast to their day to day. I don't think it's a sit up in the morning kind of thing...
Wicked Bitch 24/09 8:28 kissa really everyone who tells me that are dom I ask them how so you know and how did you get started. The various answers tell me something about therm
Pep 24/09 8:28 At some point in the past I felt the need to explore that side of Myself further and to learn what happens when I enter that headspace.
Ou812 24/09 8:28 kissa trail and error sigh life experience give us true understanding...to research things that speak to that persons heart and feeling ..
kissa 24/09 8:28 Mememe2 That does make sense, yes. A good person is going to make a good Dominant and a bad person will make a bad Dominant? (though i'm not sure about that) i've learned a helluva lot from some really crappy people with a Dom stamp on their forheads, about BDSM.
kissa 24/09 8:29 Ou812 what are some of those things that lead to a self-exploration?
Mememe2 24/09 8:29 Self-exploration could come from an experience you liked or disliked
kissa 24/09 8:29 Pix that's reasonable and understandable
Pep 24/09 8:30 *explores coffee*
Ou812 24/09 8:30 Pix
Mememe2 24/09 8:30 Pep mememe too
kissa 24/09 8:30 Wicked Bitch great question to start the vetting process!
kissa 24/09 8:30 Pep how did you know that side was there?
Ou812 24/09 8:30 kissa desire to explain why i am like i am and feel like i feel..
Mememe2 24/09 8:30 Wicked Bitch it really can tell you a lot
kissa 24/09 8:31 Mememe2 talk to me like i'm 3. What does self exploration involve?
Ou812 24/09 8:31 <-- i am just me get to know me then you decide what i am to you
Ou812 24/09 8:31 When asked if i am a dominant
kissa 24/09 8:32 Ou812 how do you do that?
Ou812 24/09 8:32 kissa words, action, understandings as to know is to know
kissa 24/09 8:32 that's reasonable
Pep 24/09 8:33 kissa I think it was there all the time but being a Dominant doesn't mean one is Dominant to everyone or every sub. You gave to find the right persons to grow with them. I don't know if that makes sense.
kissa 24/09 8:33 Welcome, all, Today's topic is "How to be a Dominant." What does one have to do to be a Dom/me? Is it natural? Is there training? Study? Watching porn and imitating Christian Grey? Let's chat together and try to answer one of the more difficult and common questions.
Pep 24/09 8:34 Ou812 actions is a great aspect
Mememe2 24/09 8:34 kissa in my case it's experiencing things I've enjoyed or not enjoyed. A spark here and there that brings out my need to submit or dominate
Mememe2 24/09 8:34 Pep total sense
kissa 24/09 8:34 Pep yes, it does, and, could it be said that with the wrong person, you're not going to be an effective Dominant?
Mememe2 24/09 8:34 Ou812
kissa 24/09 8:35 Ou812 that makes sense
Pep 24/09 8:35 kissa if you don't click you don't click. It doesn't help lol
kissa 24/09 8:35 Mememe2 that's totally reasonable
Mememe2 24/09 8:35 I am me i say that all the time
kissa 24/09 8:35 Pep *grins*
Mememe2 24/09 8:36 Sometimes I wonder why Wwe need titles
Mememe2 24/09 8:36 Lol
Pep 24/09 8:36 The worst part for Me as a Dom is about expectations O/others have or might have and one has no idea about it.
kissa 24/09 8:37 So, on my path, i have spent a lot of time meditating and researching in books, and articles, and talking to others to find my place. Is that part of finding the Dominance within along with some hot porn?
Mememe2 24/09 8:37 I hate porn
kissa 24/09 8:37 Mememe2 i'd say that it's to help create a place to start
Mememe2 24/09 8:37 Erotica is good though
Pep 24/09 8:37 I don't watch BDSM porn.
Pep 24/09 8:38 Mememe2 I agree
Ou812 24/09 8:38 Feel most dominants lead in life , take charge of things
kissa 24/09 8:38 okay. Screw the porn.
Ou812 24/09 8:38 Naturally not forced
kissa 24/09 8:38 Ou812 how so?
Mememe2 24/09 8:38 I think that listening/talking to others is a great way to learn
kissa 24/09 8:39 We've seen that word a couple of times today already. "Natural" what does that mean for you all when it comes to being Dominant or submissive
Pix 24/09 8:39 A Dominant is just another person as in all walks of life some people we have an affinity for and with and others we don't. A D and s can have an affinity for one another and still not be dynamic compatible if their wants and needs don't align that doesn't make one moree or less of a Dominant or a submissive so the label applies to oneself in and out of a dynamic. And people can be bad for one another in any interactions or wonderful for one another, the aim is to find synergy where both flouris
Ou812 24/09 8:39 By thier actions , understanding and will power to succeed
Pix 24/09 8:39 *I use both but recognize that not all relationships are only two this is shorthand, no disrespect/exclusion intended.
kissa 24/09 8:40 Pix thank you so much.
Pep 24/09 8:40 Pix oof, well done
Ou812 24/09 8:40 Pix agrees wholeheartedly
kissa 24/09 8:41 Ou812 so, is every Dom/me going to be a non-stalkery or consent stealing Christian Grey with a office suite above the clouds?
Ou812 24/09 8:41 Natural...organic...thinks that just flow ... thinging that come easily as it is a part of who they are
Mememe2 24/09 8:41 Pix good words
Pep 24/09 8:41 I don't own a tie, sorry. And I haven't worn a suit in quite a while.
kissa 24/09 8:42 Sero, Sir. welcome. We're talking about how one figures out that they are a Dominant
Pix 24/09 8:42 kissa Pep Ou812 Mememe2 ty
Ou812 24/09 8:42 kissa no, unfortunately... few truly understand the complexity of consent
Mememe2 24/09 8:42 I'm more a jeans and tee type of gal
Ou812 24/09 8:43 Shorts and hoddie guy
kissa 24/09 8:43 Ou812 so is it a consent thing that keeps some guys out of the corner office/dungeon?
Sero 24/09 8:43 kissa thank you. I'm only partially here, and haven't even been able to catch up yet.
Pix 24/09 8:43 I wonder if I might ask a question?
Pep 24/09 8:44 I prefer being naked once in a while ... but that might lead too far now.
Mememe2 24/09 8:44 Consent and control
Pep 24/09 8:44 Pix please do?
kissa 24/09 8:44 Sero when you can *smiles*
Ou812 24/09 8:44 kissa that be another topic for another day * smiles *
Pep 24/09 8:44 Sero hello
kissa 24/09 8:44 Ou812 and a big one
kissa 24/09 8:44 Pix please!
Pix 24/09 8:45 Thank you. I feel like we still haven't covered how one realise or experiences their Dominant understanding would any who identify as such be willing to share what it means to them, maybe it might give an overview of how personal it is? And also some uniting factors?
kissa 24/09 8:45 okay, let's step into that "Good Dom" space. So, what does a good Dominant do that may differentiate them from a Bad Dom/me?
kissa 24/09 8:46 Pix i agree, we didn't. Thank you for tugging us back in line (i need that a lot)
Mememe2 24/09 8:46 Asks what is needed
Pep 24/09 8:46 It's kind of a topic no one likes to talk about but Dominants can also fail and make mistakes, terrible ones indeed. Important is how a Dominant acts on that after something happened.
Pix 24/09 8:47 kissa thank you for allowing me ask.
kissa 24/09 8:47 So... YOU, Dominant Person. What was your wakeup call to being a Dominant?
kissa 24/09 8:48 Pix it was a great question. Thanks for asking it
sweet brie 24/09 8:48 Simply put, a good Dominant is someone who possesses the very qualities we would ascribe to a "good person": kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. A good Dominant, like a "good person" has a strong sense of ethics and honesty and is respectful of others regardless of their position in life.
kissa 24/09 8:49 sweet brie that's a great answer, but wouldn't that also be on the nametag for a good submissive?
Mememe2 24/09 8:49 I've been told I was a great Domme but never asked why they thought so
Mememe2 24/09 8:49 kissa I agree it goes for both
kissa 24/09 8:49 Mememe2 so, think about it now, please. What would make you a good Dominant/
Pep 24/09 8:50 There's a few aspects I always consider when I interact with people in real life or online. Politeness, being respectful, being considerate of a perdonal situation someone else might be in. Making sure people are safe and vonsenting to what I do (or say), trying not to assume things.
kissa 24/09 8:50 me, i'm a fantastic Top. i'm a terrible Domme.
sweet brie 24/09 8:50 kissa yes it would....they kind of go with eachother.... For example if I'm good my Sir will be good to me.... If I'm brat, my Sor defo knows how to clip. My wings or milk it or teach me a lesson....
Mememe2 24/09 8:50 What Pep said
kissa 24/09 8:51 Pep that's wonderful
Mememe2 24/09 8:51 It might be my mother's instinct
sweet brie 24/09 8:51 Pix Mememe2 thank you ladies
kissa 24/09 8:51 Pix, i think we may need to circle back to that tough question. We are going to take a big bite out of it, though since i need a lot of dancing around it
Pix 24/09 8:52 kissa np. The discussion goes as it goes, organic is good.
kissa 24/09 8:52 sweet brie that's totally valid. What make a good Dominant, though? Is there something more than being a good person?
sweet brie 24/09 8:53 I don't think a dominant would put his sub in any danger or harms way, because he cares about his sub.... Opposite to the bad version of Dom whom wouldn't care, he would only care about his pleasure and goal.....
kissa 24/09 8:53 Mememe2 it could be. i don't think i have a mothers' instinct and i am sure my kids would agree
Ou812 24/09 8:53 sweet brie agress
sweet brie 24/09 8:55 kissa well add to the above experience, the fact he put time in to make sure whatever he does to his sub (of course by mutual agreement) will benefit both
Mememe2 24/09 8:55 I think my Dom has a way of knowing what I need that's a good trait. But it's been a long time Wwe've been together
Pix 24/09 8:55 sweet brie agreed.
Mememe2 24/09 8:55 Beneficial to both is always the best sweet brie
Pix 24/09 8:56 Mememe2 *nods* that perceived Dom magic is the mark of an attuned partner, an active listener, an engaged observer and a caring partner.
Mememe2 24/09 8:56 He is all of those
Pix 24/09 8:56 It is not magic it is work and accountability and responsibility and care.
sweet brie 24/09 8:56 A sub for a dominant is like a treasure, that needs protecting, nurturing, kept safe.... Opposite to the dominant that will only use the sub for selfish reasons...
sweet brie 24/09 8:57 And without subs agreement
Pep 24/09 8:57 Pix responsibility is definitely an aspect
kissa 24/09 8:57 sweet brie i think you have something there, and i would like to offer your words in different phrasing, if i may. So a good Dominant isn't going to be selfish about his or her own pleasures but is going to make sure that the submissive is going to be safe(safer/as safe as possible) before indulging. Does that jive with what you said?
kissa 24/09 8:58 Pix is that it? oof.
Pix 24/09 8:58 Pep I agree, it is on both, even when a submissive has consented they are responsible for communicating clearly to their chosen Dominant to protect them both and to allow Them take the other responsibilities they may have offered to assist with on board.
Pep 24/09 8:59 *has at least a magic wand*
sweet brie 24/09 8:59 Sure.... No worries.... I like to use words that are simple and easily understood.... But if you prefer fancy words go for it kissa
Pix 24/09 8:59 kissa right? Not so magical, sounds very emotionally intensive right? Not for the faint hearted. And magic does it a disservice.
kissa 24/09 8:59 sweet brie and Mememe2 you both threw in a keyword there: Time. Would you expand on that more, please?
kissa 24/09 9:00 sweet brie i'm thinking how we might put what you said into a pamphlet labeled "How to be a Dom"
Mememe2 24/09 9:00 It takes time to understand wants, needs desires, limits
Mememe2 24/09 9:01 It doesn't happen overnight
Pix 24/09 9:01 Pep apart from your wand but I'm sure it is your own brand of the aforementioned recipe for the 'magic' that imbues it with it's power
sweet brie 24/09 9:01 Of course... Time is needed to know a sub, and a sub to know the Dom.... Time is essential,... I agree with Mememe2
Ziploc 24/09 9:01 *biding his time* Is there going to be a Q&A session at the end if we don't see the parts we were hoping for?
kissa 24/09 9:01 Mememe2 yeah, it does take time. How does it happen?
sweet brie 24/09 9:01 kissa sure, no problem
Pep 24/09 9:01 Ziploc ask your question
kissa 24/09 9:02 Ziploc there will! Feel free to toss it out there, though.
Sero 24/09 9:02 Learning someone's buttons is one of my biggest joys. I enjoy being patient with the process.
sweet brie 24/09 9:02 kissa time, communication and information I think are the keys here
Pep 24/09 9:02 Pix *chuckles* alright
kissa 24/09 9:02 Sero you're good at it, though. What do you do to learn those, though?
Mememe2 24/09 9:02 I think it has a lot to do with personal perception. Some people are more attuned than others
kissa 24/09 9:02 sweet brie excellent
Ziploc 24/09 9:03 I'm less interested in the how and more the why. What makes a dominant want to be a dominant?
Sero 24/09 9:03 kissa communication is the foundation of that learning process.
Pep 24/09 9:03 Taking control in My case.
kissa 24/09 9:03 Mememe2 is that as a couple or as an individual
sweet brie 24/09 9:03 Ziploc power, control
kissa 24/09 9:03 Ziploc that's a damned good question
sweet brie 24/09 9:03 Ziploc but in a good way that will benefit him and the sub
kissa 24/09 9:04 Sero it is, Sir, thank you
Mememe2 24/09 9:04 kissa Both being perceptive helps tremendously
sweet brie 24/09 9:04 Sero yeah I mentioned communication too
kissa 24/09 9:05 Mememe2 it's helpful but in the absence of it, how might the message get across?
Mememe2 24/09 9:05 kissa I'm not sure
kissa 24/09 9:05 Pix thank you so much for joining us - and trust me, we're going to slap the "how" question around another day
Mememe2 24/09 9:07 kissa I've been lucky enough to find Doms who I am in tune with
kissa 24/09 9:08 Mememe2 that's wonderful and very fortunate
Mememe2 24/09 9:09 I did have one Dom who just took and never gave but that didn't last long
Pep 24/09 9:09 Ziploc was your question answered so far or do you need more?
Ziploc 24/09 9:10 Pep sweet brie answered it and it was more or less what I expected.
JackIsBoneDaddy 24/09 9:10 Mememe2 sorry to hear that, but atleast you ended it quickly
Pep 24/09 9:10 Ziploc control is a huge part indeed
kissa 24/09 9:11 Mememe2 ugh, i have rarely been smart enough to run fast enough
Mememe2 24/09 9:11 kissa I have that intuitive sense
Ziploc 24/09 9:11 Pep Is it the only thing?
JackIsBoneDaddy 24/09 9:11 Mememe2 not a lot are, no offense or anything but they end up thinking that's how it is supposed to be. Which is completely wrong.
Pep 24/09 9:13 Ziploc in My case there are several kinks I like to address over time. Control is the biggest part. But I'm not into tpe for example, control has its limits naturally.
kissa 24/09 9:13 Ziploc i think that a lot of it comes from understanding the self and desiring a specific kind of relationship. Either a 1950's stereotype kind with a male-led household or
Ziploc 24/09 9:15 Or...? You're leaving me on a cliffhanger lol
kissa 24/09 9:15 one where there is a different kind of, less television based, dynamic. The word "control" is brought up a lot but i would like to suggest "power exchange" as a more familiar term
Pep 24/09 9:15 kissa thanks for power exchange
kissa 24/09 9:16 Pep and yet you're in a TPE relationship.
Ziploc 24/09 9:16 Great, I think that answers my question.
Pep 24/09 9:16 kissa debatable imho
kissa 24/09 9:17 So, i feel safer with less or no agency in my relationship, my Owner is going to feel safer with all of his and some of mine so he can guide me along the right path - not because i'm stupid, but because i have other things to think about
kissa 24/09 9:18 Once i give that to him, i can focus on what's more important to me and he can focus on what's most important to him
kissa 24/09 9:20 So, the amount of control that i give and he takes is where we put ourselves on some invisible spectrum of labels. Bedroom submission all the way down to TPE
kissa 24/09 9:22 i have different D/s relationships with different people. Sero, for example, are in a D/s relationship. I consider him dominant to me and he has taken a portion of my agency as his to control because i gave it to him. We're not a couple but we still have that relationship
Pep 24/09 9:23 Tpe is a myth imho if you don't live together.
kissa 24/09 9:24 *grins* class is over, i just want to answer your question and give different answers so you feel like you actually know
kissa 24/09 9:24 Pep that's valid