Jason called me again last night. We'd been exchanging e-mail and calls for a month or so during which I found myself taking calming breaths in order to stay rational while being belittled. So, I moved on. No big deal I figured, a few long-distance phone calls and e-mails barely added up to more than a dalliance. But Jason didn't see it this way; in his mind I was the one. Unlike me, he felt as connected as if we had been dating in person. Jason and I were having different relationships, and we didn't even know it
What's the Difference between Real Time and Online Relationships?
Before Vermont had its first BDSM community, I engaged in a number of cyber relationships, but most of my experience has been real time, in that our interaction occurred in person, in the same room. My cyberfriend Soulhuntre jokingly refers to this as "meatspace" (as opposed to cyberspace). Others less jokingly call it "real life," an offensive term because it suggests online relationships are imaginary. Even worse, some real time players flat out deny the possibility of an online relationship, an approach which is disrespectful at best and cruel at worst.
Even though I have felt very real connections with online friends, I have sometimes found myself laughing off other peoples online relationships. I wish those people had confronted me and told me I had no right to criticize their choices. It was only after researching this article that I realized how very wrong I was. Just as we are honor bound to respect each other's BDSM kinks, we must also respect the medium in which they choose to express them, whether it be in real time or cyber time.
Cyber relationships are long-distance relationships which primarily use technology as the medium of communication. This may include e-mail, chat rooms, video cams, phone calls and ICQ. Partners may meet only occasionally or sometimes not at all. The online experience is not defined by whether or not the partners experience Dom or subspace, but rather whether or not they define their own relationship as being in the BDSM context.
In fact, most relationships of either type land in the middle of the continuum from completely 100% real time to 100% cyber. For example, my friends Master Stern and his slave yielding are living apart due to family issues and they use the cyber experience to keep their love alive. Almost all of us these days use the internet in one way or another to keep in touch with our loved ones. Even daily e-mails to family members serve to put us somewhere in the continuum.
Online relationships tend to focus more on the DS part of BDSM (Dominant/submissive) rather than the Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, or Masochism. The power exchange naturally lends itself to long-distance relationships because it does not require a person to be in front of you. Other aspects of BDSM such as bondage and pain may play a smaller role, although they are still doable with some creativity. Punishment may be less often in the form of physical things like caning, and more often in the form of deprivation of an enjoyed hobby or orders to do something the submissive doesn't enjoy.
Why do Online BDSM Relationships Get Bashed so Much?
On a cultural level, there are very understandable reasons for people's discomfort with the reality of online relationships. Part of this has to do with the novelty of the internet as a form of communication, something which is completely new to the history of humankind. Technological change is always scary, especially when it comes at an ever increasing speed of acceleration. In his book Future Shock, Alvin Toffler called this "accelerative thrust," meaning that not only is change happening, but it's happening faster and faster. The world wide web is the perfect example of this, having developed and matured in less than ten years. This ever-increasing pace of technology is a challenge for people of the old school (often, but not always elders), because they still think of new things as "newfangled," another word for a little bit scary. This fear is transmuted into negative cultural attitudes toward internet things, from e-mail to online music to relationships.
For most, the internet is simply a tool for communicating, not unlike the phone or old fashioned letters. But for many, the internet can also be seen as a construct in itself, a completely different way of experiencing reality. On the internet our mind is the dominant force; we can love and be loved without the limitations of our physical self. It offers opportunities our parents could not even have imagined. Some argue this is not "reality" in the same way people say going to school is not "real" life. I might suggest that all experiences are "real" even if they are so different from your own as to seem alien. If your cyber life brings you joy; that's all the validation you need.
It's also common to think of cyber relationships as an "alternative" or even a poor second cousin to more desirable real time ones. Many of my friends who engage in online relationships seem embarrassed about it all, and that affects the level of respect that I accord the experience. In contrast, Soulhuntre (quoted in this article) takes his online experiences seriously, and so I take him seriously too. He might be considered a cyber radical in that he believes that online relationships are a fully viable form of relationships on their own, equal to and fully realizable in the BDSM context. Is this true or not? Maybe there is no truth, only that we experience the validity of our relationships as much as we believe in them.
My friend and BDSM group founder Master Bear says that, "It's as real as you let it be. If you enter into it as a game...then it will be a game. If, however, you enter into it seriously, it can be a emotionally rewarding experience." He goes on to add that, "How many have entered a lifestyle chatroom and witnessed a "GORean serve?" My online sub performed these, and they can be a positive delight when done well. There's something that only comes through in text - subtle nuances that are conveyed in the description - that might well go unnoticed if one was watching the same ‘serve' being performed in real time. Is it ‘real?' To them it is. When I am observing a serve, it is real if the performer makes it real."
Unfortunately the rather large number of charlatans trolling as cyberdoms and cybersubs have given the internet a bad name. Friends often warn me about dating those perverted sickos on the internet. I respond "you mean like me? I'm on the internet!" For some reason, it's difficult for them to separate their fears of the internet as a scary new technology from the reality that behind every e-mail is a very real person. Many are genuine and kind people like you and I who just happen to be using the internet as a form of relationship exchange. There are also a number of charlatans trolling about in my day-to-day real time life. We've all read stories about men with multiple wives or women who conned people one way or another. It is equally up to me to sort these bad guys out in real time life or in the cyber world. A little easier in person perhaps, but no less necessary.
Who Has Online Relationships?
People who have online relationships are pretty much like everyone else. But there are some groups for whom the online experience is especially welcome. Some of these are people who have no desire to engage in a real time relationship or community, or have sensitive jobs which prevent them from engaging in non-traditional lifestyles. There are the people who are housebound, unable to travel, or disabled in some way, as well as those who prefer not to be touched, perhaps from physical or emotional abuse, or health problems. For this last group, cyber is a particularly helpful way to feel close without actual contact. Finally, some are married to vanilla partners and can only explore their BDSM side through the internet. While I personally feel this violates the trust of a spouse, I can understand why someone might do it, particularly if they might lose custody of their children because of their kinky interests.
Having a community, whether real time or online, helps us recognize our BDSM orientation as a valid choice. In a culture where open discussion of sex is taboo, this validation is particularly important to minorities such as ourselves. For people without a community in their town, the cyber connection may be their only connection with other players.
People vary in their ability to engage in online experiences. For example people who focus on the emotional, spiritual, and mental of the BDSM relationship will have an easier time transitioning to the online forum. Online relationships are also easiest for people who have a vivid imagination, as well as a facility with writing and typing. The experience is the most intense for people who have a rich inner life. For example, I have been transported by many books I've read, yet remained surprisingly unmoved when engaged with my submissive at a "real" play party. You could say in some ways I'm a good candidate for the cyber life. Naturally, if someone is more sensation oriented, then some creativity is required. However, for people who need to see their partner in person, cyber isn't satisfying.